The Look

The saying goes that a picture can tell a thousand words. A look can say very few, perhaps just one, but that is sometimes more powerful than a thousand could ever be. Slowly looking up, your eyes quizzically looking at your partner with a non-vocalised question, to be met with a yes, a no, a maybe, a never, an always, a sorry.

Most of the time, these responses don't really catch us by surprise because, deep down, we know the answer before we ask. Our subconscious tend to be that much sharper than our sentient minds. Unfortunately, should our level of hope delude us as to the answer (and it doesn't take a lot for people to persuade themselves to believe that what they want can and will happen) then such a loaded look can shake us. So much so that we are left speechless, strangled by the silent exchange. And it can do more than shake us.

It can frustrate us, pour or sap emotion from us, make us want to drink, to think and to shiver. I guess it's the realisation that what we hoped for is not reality or what we took for granted may not hold true.

So what gives us this original hope? Excluding pure phantasm, such a belief tends to be a holdover from a previous part of the relationship, however brief. What was once an acceptable aspect of a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, may no longer be but there is a lack of awareness of it. And this can happen even in the most momentary of affiliations; someone you have met and built up an accord with in a friendly social environment (a doctor in a hospital, a waitress in a restaurant, an individual you have met in a bar). These situations often involve sexual overtones and it is simple to confuse politeness for attraction. Equally, it is typical that two people would meet and quickly discover that, despite an original appeal, they have little in common and the realisation of such an error can be embarrassing and disappointing. Of course, this kind of short-term association holds limited concern for most and is quickly forgotten about.

Naturally therefore, a longer commitment with many a shared experience and additional emotion can bear a more damaging scar. But it would also be far less likely to occur as the pairing would surely be that much closer, have that much more in common (even if it were just their shared experiences) and know many of the other's idiosyncrasies. Rarely do long time friends fall out for any length of time and if they do, most occur in destructive circumstances. It is also seldom that the kind of tension and uncertainty would remain between the pair that would leave so much unsaid as to require leaning on non-verbal communication. Are there many a question left unasked between friends unless one, or both, have romantic feelings for the other? Not usually and very infrequently amongst those that truly trust each other.

It is no secret that the most complex and emotional of relationships are romantic. The feelings that are expressed in a loving affair outweigh the impact of virtually anything else humanity can experience and even the closest of friends, for all the strength of their bond, cannot match the sensory heights that the explosive nature of intimacy brings. As soon as a couple engage in sexual relations (presuming they actually like each other), the ante increases to the extent that the cornerstones of friendship are under intense scrutiny - trust, loyalty, honesty. Any level of suspicion can cause the relationship to falter and the disquiet and unease to flow.

Certainly there are those in relationships who suffer from delusions but the fact that the reality of their circumstances is overt on a (presumably) regular basis must limit the amount that their mind wanders too far from the truth. Perhaps the real discomfort and fear and hope stem from those situations where contact is limited, where the brain begins to select what it recalls and in what light it perceives the past. It is easy to be blinkered by time and to imagine another to be one thing, often far greater or worse than they really are. Indeed, why wouldn't we? Should a long time friend or former partner be removed from the immediacy of every day life (and probably replaced) then it would appear acceptable that we would condense the value of that individual to a more simple, reduced form (maybe never to the finite point of just positive or negative but to a stage where all elements tie into a 'good' or 'bad' theme).

Should two people meet a long time removed from a close relationship and both have partaken in the above practice then, even if they see each other in similar lights, the variation between the simple perception and the recondite reality can result a feeling of misunderstanding, of self-questioning and of hostility to this now 'alien' person. Have they changed? Did I really know them that well previously? This level of discomfort stunts our conversation, stiffens our body language and forces us to look for ways to rediscover the person we once cared for. As we question, they question and as we look, so do they.

Studies claim that over 70% of communication is non-verbal, produced from posture, gesturing and movement. The value of this within human interaction is undeniable and it doesn't take a statistic to convince anybody that the words we hear are not all somebody is trying to tell us. But to know what all these signals are trying to utter requires a real knowledge of that person. Unfortunately, for most people, a strong comprehension of another usually involves a care and concern for them which blinds them to some extent. Few relationships allow us to be truly altruistic, which would seem a requirement to fully receive the whole gamut of information that another can offer us. Furthermore, there are perhaps fewer that are honest about their feelings, goals, dreams and this can add to the shroud.

There are billions of people and outlets telling us seemingly so much everyday. We are spoilt by the ease at which we can find out the answer to a question we ask. Perhaps the majority of the words, probably on some days all of them, are telling us very little or nothing; either because we aren't really listening or because we never really asked the question or because the answer is not the truth. Some responses are not what we want to hear and when they truly connect with us, when they answer the questions we have asked ourselves a thousand times over, then they really can shake us. These occasions are rare and it is with a scary irregularity that we hear words that really convince us of anything. Even when we do it relies on someone explaining their argument in a manner that we can relate to (which in turn relies upon that person being trusted, an able speaker and the question being asked in the first place).

But sometimes a look, with absolutely no precursor, can answer a question we would never have asked.

For all the confusion created and the questions unanswered here one thing is clear. A look can be worth well over a thousand words. 1229 words at least