The Cleveland Cavaliers have traded for Adam Morrison and proclaimed him the 'missing link' to their championship dreams.
GM Dan Ferry crowed 'What more could we ask for? He's a former no. 3 pick, he was drafted by Michael Jordan and he just won the NBA title. The guy is clearly a winner and we see him as a cornerstone of our franchise.'
Cleveland gave up Sasha Pavlovic, Anderson Varejao, Zydrunas Illgauskus, Wally Szczerbiak and J.J Hickson for Morrison. On the seemingly steep price, Ferry said 'Hey, we got Lebron. If we only start four guys a game then we've got two of the best; Lebron and Adam Morrison...Adam Morrison people!'
Lebron James refused to comment.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Breaking News: Usain Bolt 'doesn't have time for 100 metres'
In a remarkable report out of Kingston, Jamaica, Usain Bolt has divulged that he is too busy with sponsors to run the 100m anymore.
Usain, the world record holder in both the 100m and 200m, has said 'You know what, I wish I had the time for these races. If they want to add an extra minute in the day then, hey, maybe I can move some things around but if not, my hands are tied.'
Bolt has become such a star after his feats at the Olympics and since that his sponsors - Puma - have declared all 24 hours of his days as 'promotional time,' which leaves none remaining for any actual running.
Bolt seemed relaxed while signing autographs of his former glories. 'When I was young, I never thought about anything but sports. Now I get to think about them all the time.'
Usain, the world record holder in both the 100m and 200m, has said 'You know what, I wish I had the time for these races. If they want to add an extra minute in the day then, hey, maybe I can move some things around but if not, my hands are tied.'
Bolt has become such a star after his feats at the Olympics and since that his sponsors - Puma - have declared all 24 hours of his days as 'promotional time,' which leaves none remaining for any actual running.
Bolt seemed relaxed while signing autographs of his former glories. 'When I was young, I never thought about anything but sports. Now I get to think about them all the time.'
Breaking News: Kobe requests personal parade
The Los Angeles Lakers celebrated their 15th NBA Championship but even this is was not enough to satisfy Kobe Bryant.
Bryant was said to be 'kinda pissed' to find out that many of his teammates will also be receiving a ring and will be attending the victory parade in LA.
Kobe screamed from his trophy shaped tower 'this is god damned ridiculous. I won that title! Me! And Derek Fisher, Andrew Bynum...these guys don't deserve to even give me my ring!'
He proceeded 'I've never even seen D.J Mbenga.'
Bryant has requested his own personal parade in LA, the day before the official team parade. 'And everybody better be there and they better be smiling' Kobe asserted while not raping anybody.
Bryant was said to be 'kinda pissed' to find out that many of his teammates will also be receiving a ring and will be attending the victory parade in LA.
Kobe screamed from his trophy shaped tower 'this is god damned ridiculous. I won that title! Me! And Derek Fisher, Andrew Bynum...these guys don't deserve to even give me my ring!'
He proceeded 'I've never even seen D.J Mbenga.'
Bryant has requested his own personal parade in LA, the day before the official team parade. 'And everybody better be there and they better be smiling' Kobe asserted while not raping anybody.
Breaking News: Zidane to sue Egyptian forward
Former FIFA World Player of the Year and World Cup winner Zinedine Zidane is to sue Egyptian footballer Mohammed Zidan over copyright infringement.
Zidane, talking from his Madrid hideout claimed 'I don't know who this guy thinks he is but he is just taking the biscuit. I could just about handle the fact that his parents have a similar surname to mine but then to score two goals against Brazil? That's my thing! I'm outraged!'
Mohammed Zidan said through his interpreter 'he's doing what now?'
Zidane, talking from his Madrid hideout claimed 'I don't know who this guy thinks he is but he is just taking the biscuit. I could just about handle the fact that his parents have a similar surname to mine but then to score two goals against Brazil? That's my thing! I'm outraged!'
Mohammed Zidan said through his interpreter 'he's doing what now?'
Breaking News: MySpace founder files for bankruptcy
Tom Anderson, MySpace's starting president and co-founder, has filed for bankruptcy today after buying gifts for all of his 'friends.'
Anderson cried 'I was just trying to give everyone a little something for their birthday. I never thought it would cost quite so much and, to be honest, it never occured to me that anything could swallow up my entire fortune this way.'
Anderson was being consoled by his real friends, standing outside his former Malibu home. He has yet to receive a thankyou card.
Anderson cried 'I was just trying to give everyone a little something for their birthday. I never thought it would cost quite so much and, to be honest, it never occured to me that anything could swallow up my entire fortune this way.'
Anderson was being consoled by his real friends, standing outside his former Malibu home. He has yet to receive a thankyou card.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Breaking News: Tom Brady picks O'Connell in fantasy football
Today, former NFL MVP and three-time Superbowl champion Tom Brady, stunned football fans in New England by picking backup Kevin O'Connell as his quarterback in his fantasy football team.
Brady missed virtually all of last season with a knee injury sustained in week 1 and saw backup Matt Cassel flourish in the starting job.
O'Connell, his current backup and stand in should Brady be unavailable next season, was not ranked by fantasy experts and seemed set to go undrafted in fantasyland but was picked in the second round of Brady's fantasy draft, one place behind Terrel Owens and one spot ahead of Brady himself.
Tom Brady was on record as saying 'It's just a joke.'
Brady missed virtually all of last season with a knee injury sustained in week 1 and saw backup Matt Cassel flourish in the starting job.
O'Connell, his current backup and stand in should Brady be unavailable next season, was not ranked by fantasy experts and seemed set to go undrafted in fantasyland but was picked in the second round of Brady's fantasy draft, one place behind Terrel Owens and one spot ahead of Brady himself.
Tom Brady was on record as saying 'It's just a joke.'
Breaking News: Brett Favre announces comeback
NFL legend Brett Favre has finally announced that he will be playing in the 2012/3 season.
Favre, a three-time league MVP and a Superbowl champion, has been the subject of much speculation over the last few years regarding his playing future. The former Green Bay and New York Jet QB has already retired twice and will not be drawn into commenting on the upcoming season but did confirm that he will be available for the start of training camps in 2012.
'I realised that it's what I want to do. I'm just not finished playing yet' said Favre.
The Vikings have already registered an interest in the player.
Favre, a three-time league MVP and a Superbowl champion, has been the subject of much speculation over the last few years regarding his playing future. The former Green Bay and New York Jet QB has already retired twice and will not be drawn into commenting on the upcoming season but did confirm that he will be available for the start of training camps in 2012.
'I realised that it's what I want to do. I'm just not finished playing yet' said Favre.
The Vikings have already registered an interest in the player.
Breaking News: Tiger to 'win this one for Phil'
Tiger Woods has devoted the upcoming US Open to Phil Mickelson.
Tiger, who has maintained a 'friendly rivalry' with the world no.2, expressed 'I've seen him finish second so many times, I just want to win this one for him. He's such a competitor. He reminds me of a not-quite-so-talented-and-focused version of myself'
Woods added 'I really hope we are paired together on the final day so he can watch me win it for him in person.'
Mickleson was unavailable for comment but was seen burning an effigy on the 18th at the Bethpage golf course.
Tiger, who has maintained a 'friendly rivalry' with the world no.2, expressed 'I've seen him finish second so many times, I just want to win this one for him. He's such a competitor. He reminds me of a not-quite-so-talented-and-focused version of myself'
Woods added 'I really hope we are paired together on the final day so he can watch me win it for him in person.'
Mickleson was unavailable for comment but was seen burning an effigy on the 18th at the Bethpage golf course.
Breaking News: Ronaldo speaks on move
Cristiano Ronaldo has finally commented on his reasons for joining Real Madrid in a world record £80million transfer.
Ronaldo revealed 'I had to do it, after playing Barcelona in the Champions League Final and seeing this Messi fella, I knew I had to get a closer look.'
'He's amazing! What a player! With United I may have played him once a year at best but now I get to see him up close at least twice a season.' I'll be honest, I just can't stop thinking about him.'
The Portuguese winger seemed to zone out before responding 'I just hope he lets me swap shirts at the end of the game, that would be the best!'
Ronaldo revealed 'I had to do it, after playing Barcelona in the Champions League Final and seeing this Messi fella, I knew I had to get a closer look.'
'He's amazing! What a player! With United I may have played him once a year at best but now I get to see him up close at least twice a season.' I'll be honest, I just can't stop thinking about him.'
The Portuguese winger seemed to zone out before responding 'I just hope he lets me swap shirts at the end of the game, that would be the best!'
Breaking News: Ronaldo replacement found
Manchester United have announced that the majority of the transfer fee received for Cristiano Ronaldo will be spent on a new linebacker.
Questions over a conflict of interest have been refuted by United and Tampa Bay Buccaneers owners, the Glazer family. The statement released pronounced 'These are trying times for the economy and we feel this is the best way to spend the money. Our new signing can split time between the two teams.'
'We can't believe nobody has done this sooner. Clearly this is the best thing for business and we are convinced that, when we present our plans at our AGM, all United fans will be behind us.'
Reports that Gary Neville was stateside trying out as a running back are unconfirmed.
Questions over a conflict of interest have been refuted by United and Tampa Bay Buccaneers owners, the Glazer family. The statement released pronounced 'These are trying times for the economy and we feel this is the best way to spend the money. Our new signing can split time between the two teams.'
'We can't believe nobody has done this sooner. Clearly this is the best thing for business and we are convinced that, when we present our plans at our AGM, all United fans will be behind us.'
Reports that Gary Neville was stateside trying out as a running back are unconfirmed.
Breaking News: Alan Shearer to be knighted
Former England forward and current Newcastle manager is to be knighted in the Queen's forthcoming honours list for services to football.
Shearer, already an OBE as a result of his performances within the Premier League and Internationally, will become 'Sir Alan' on the back of leading Newcastle to the Championship.
Shearer said 'it's a surprise for sure but an honour. I didn't imagine that my work would be recognised so quickly. I'd like to thank the Newcastle board and players that made all this possible.'
Shearer, already an OBE as a result of his performances within the Premier League and Internationally, will become 'Sir Alan' on the back of leading Newcastle to the Championship.
Shearer said 'it's a surprise for sure but an honour. I didn't imagine that my work would be recognised so quickly. I'd like to thank the Newcastle board and players that made all this possible.'
Breaking News: Tennis star found
Tennis Superstar Rafael Nadal, missing since his defeat to Robin Soderling in the 4th round of the French Open, has been found still running down a shot from the match.
World Number 1 Nadal was seen sprinting along a dirt track near Bordeaux as he continued to track down a shot from the fourth set tie-break.
While running, Nadal was able to give a full and coherent interview in which he remarked 'what do you mean the match is over? And the tournament is finished to? Just let me return this forehand and then go over the details with me.'
The French police had been searching for the Spaniard for weeks and hope to capture him, sedate him and fly him to Wimbledon for the start of the tournament.
World Number 1 Nadal was seen sprinting along a dirt track near Bordeaux as he continued to track down a shot from the fourth set tie-break.
While running, Nadal was able to give a full and coherent interview in which he remarked 'what do you mean the match is over? And the tournament is finished to? Just let me return this forehand and then go over the details with me.'
The French police had been searching for the Spaniard for weeks and hope to capture him, sedate him and fly him to Wimbledon for the start of the tournament.
Breaking News: Joey Barton claims 'fair tackle'
Joey Barton has claimed that his recent assault on a photographer was in fact a 'fair tackle.'
From inside his cell, Barton announced 'why me? Why is it always me that gets a bad rap for these things? If any other player had done this nobody would have even cared. Just because it's Joey Barton all of a sudden it's a crime. It was a fair tackle!'
The Newcastle player continued by offering his services to NATO, Unicef, the Samaritans and the UFC.
From inside his cell, Barton announced 'why me? Why is it always me that gets a bad rap for these things? If any other player had done this nobody would have even cared. Just because it's Joey Barton all of a sudden it's a crime. It was a fair tackle!'
The Newcastle player continued by offering his services to NATO, Unicef, the Samaritans and the UFC.
Breaking News: Benitez to sell Dirk Kuyt for parts
In an attempt to save money, Rafa Benitez has taken the extraordinary steps of selling Dutch forward Dirk Kuyt for parts.
After poor financial results appeared it would hamper Liverpool's summer spending, manager Rafa Benitez has come up with an enterprising way to raise funds. Dirk Kuyt will be stripped for parts with his legs and arms available for sale to the highest bidder.
Rafa stated 'we love his work rate, his mentality, his tactical awareness. We believe we will be keeping all of those attributes with the team but the rest is expendable.'
Kuyt was quoted as saying that he was happy to be part of a club looking for ways to improve and would do anything for the team. He then had to go and make dinner for the Benitez family.
After poor financial results appeared it would hamper Liverpool's summer spending, manager Rafa Benitez has come up with an enterprising way to raise funds. Dirk Kuyt will be stripped for parts with his legs and arms available for sale to the highest bidder.
Rafa stated 'we love his work rate, his mentality, his tactical awareness. We believe we will be keeping all of those attributes with the team but the rest is expendable.'
Kuyt was quoted as saying that he was happy to be part of a club looking for ways to improve and would do anything for the team. He then had to go and make dinner for the Benitez family.
Breaking News: Manchester City to buy 'everybody else'
With Kaka and Ronaldo off the market, Manchester City have sensationally bought every other footballer
After Real Madrid's recent acquisitions of Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka for close to £140million, Manchester City have stunned world football by buying up every other professional footballer in a deal estimated at £1.8billion.
Dr. Sulaiman Al-Fahim, chairman of Manchester City, offered 'it was getting ridiculous. Seriously. We got into this game to buy the best players in the world and then Real Madrid come along and started stealing our thunder.'
We'd just had enough so we figured we wouldn't take anymore chances. Your move Florentino.'
Mark Hughes was seen consulting Nobel prize winning physicist Frank Wiczek regarding the quantum theory of squad rotation.
After Real Madrid's recent acquisitions of Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka for close to £140million, Manchester City have stunned world football by buying up every other professional footballer in a deal estimated at £1.8billion.
Dr. Sulaiman Al-Fahim, chairman of Manchester City, offered 'it was getting ridiculous. Seriously. We got into this game to buy the best players in the world and then Real Madrid come along and started stealing our thunder.'
We'd just had enough so we figured we wouldn't take anymore chances. Your move Florentino.'
Mark Hughes was seen consulting Nobel prize winning physicist Frank Wiczek regarding the quantum theory of squad rotation.
Breaking News: English cricket 'getting better'
In the wake of not losing to the Netherlands, English cricket supremo's release statement asserting 'We're getting better'
After being knocked out of the twenty20 World Cup following defeats to South Africa, the West Indies and notably the Netherlands, England bosses responded to their elimination by stating 'we're getting better, we are really improving in this form of the game.'
I mean look at the evidence - In the super eights we only lost to two teams that made the semi-finals and you know what, today we didn't lose to the Netherlands which is a sign of definite progress.'
'Last week we would have lost that game. Plus, where were the Aussies? They didn't even get the chance to get beaten by some of these sides.'
By this point, the gentlemen had backed up so far I could hardly hear them...
After being knocked out of the twenty20 World Cup following defeats to South Africa, the West Indies and notably the Netherlands, England bosses responded to their elimination by stating 'we're getting better, we are really improving in this form of the game.'
I mean look at the evidence - In the super eights we only lost to two teams that made the semi-finals and you know what, today we didn't lose to the Netherlands which is a sign of definite progress.'
'Last week we would have lost that game. Plus, where were the Aussies? They didn't even get the chance to get beaten by some of these sides.'
By this point, the gentlemen had backed up so far I could hardly hear them...
Breaking News: Alan Hansen writes off Tottenham
Alan Hansen: 'You won't win anything with yids'
When asked about Tottenham Hotspur's chances of silverware in the coming season, Alan Hansen responded negatively, assessing that there was no way a team with such a Jewish following could be successful.
Hansen said 'I don't think it matters how much wheeler-dealing Harry Redknapp does, you won't win anything with yids. Not now, not never.'
The former Liverpool player and current Match of the day pundit was not aware of any past failed predictions.
When asked about Tottenham Hotspur's chances of silverware in the coming season, Alan Hansen responded negatively, assessing that there was no way a team with such a Jewish following could be successful.
Hansen said 'I don't think it matters how much wheeler-dealing Harry Redknapp does, you won't win anything with yids. Not now, not never.'
The former Liverpool player and current Match of the day pundit was not aware of any past failed predictions.
Breaking News: Kaka to quit Madrid
Kaka set to quite Madrid after being picked second in 5-a side game.
Brazilian ace Kaka has sensationally handed in a transfer request, just days after signing for Real Madrid, after a certain Cristiano Ronaldo was picked first by team captain Raul in a 5-a side training session.
Kaka was quoted as saying 'I don't know who this guy thinks he is but this is my team - I'm the world's most expensive player and world player of the year whatever he says.'
He continued 'Look, this boy Ronni isn't bad but I didn't leave Milan to be some gelled playboy's backup. I mean, he doesn't even go to church. I belong to Jesus, all he has is a Spearmint Rhino's membership card.'
Kaka was last seen asking anybody whether they had Mark Hughes' business card.
Brazilian ace Kaka has sensationally handed in a transfer request, just days after signing for Real Madrid, after a certain Cristiano Ronaldo was picked first by team captain Raul in a 5-a side training session.
Kaka was quoted as saying 'I don't know who this guy thinks he is but this is my team - I'm the world's most expensive player and world player of the year whatever he says.'
He continued 'Look, this boy Ronni isn't bad but I didn't leave Milan to be some gelled playboy's backup. I mean, he doesn't even go to church. I belong to Jesus, all he has is a Spearmint Rhino's membership card.'
Kaka was last seen asking anybody whether they had Mark Hughes' business card.
'Stick to play by play'
A scene available only to online viewers from the new sports show in the states - 'Joe Buck Live.' He can be usually seen/heard on Fox Sports.
Enjoy. This is TV.
http://deadspin.com/5292467/watch-artie-lange-crap-all-over-joe-bucks-first-show?autoplay=true?skyline=true&s=i
Blog is very good by the way. Follow it.
Enjoy. This is TV.
http://deadspin.com/5292467/watch-artie-lange-crap-all-over-joe-bucks-first-show?autoplay=true?skyline=true&s=i
Blog is very good by the way. Follow it.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Fitz Hall of Fame
For all the dieticians, sponsorship deals, camera angles, energy drinks and every other advancement in sport over the last fifty odd years, it seems that one area of just about major sport has suffered - Nicknames.
Gone are the days 'The Black Panther' (Eusebio), Ervin 'Magic' Johnson and Lawrence 'Yogi' Berra but here we celebrate the finest monikers from sports history.
The East Wing AKA The ‘But I thought that was his real name’ Wing
'Yogi' Berra - A Hall of Fame Baseball player and creator of such remarks as ‘It’s like déjà vu all over again’ and ‘Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.’
'Satchel' Paige - Good name. Dull story. Trust me
Mirko 'Cro Cop' - He’s Croatian and a former cop. I guess ‘Cro Cop’ sounds plausible although I don’t the Filipovic (his real surname) family are thrilled by their neglect
'Tiger' Woods - Does Eldrick Tont Woods become the Icon and marketing dream that ‘Tiger’ has?
‘Butterbean’ - So good Eric Esch changed his name. One of his sons is nicknamed ‘Babybean.’
‘Magic’ Johnson - He revolutionised the game of Basketball and is fully entitled to as cool a nickname as there is in sports. By the way…First name Earvin.
'Babe' Ruth - AKA ‘The Bambino’ AKA ‘The Sultan on Swat.’ AKA George Herman Ruth Jr. The ‘Babe’ nickname was nowhere near original but he made it his own.
The North Wing AKA The ‘There is no way I’m getting a fight with this guy’ Wing
'The Axe Murderer' Wanderlei Silva - No. Nope. Never. Even if I was drunk. Even if he was drunk.
'Mean' Joe Greene - Apparently a real nice fella. The former NFL Lineman was the leader of perhaps the best nicknamed unit is sport’s history - ‘The Iron Curtain.’
Nick ‘The Fighting Bartender’ Delong - I’ve met them, I’ve been them. You don’t want to fight them.
'The Nigerian Nightmare' Christian Okoye - Truly terrifying. And somebody had to tackle him. His nickname? Scared.
David ‘Tank’ Abbott - Short, sharp and powerful. Much like his right hand.
Kasushi ‘Gracie Hunter’ Sakuraba - Any fighter who can brag about owning the most famous family in MMA has earnt their spot.
‘The Living Death’ Lew Jenkins - His other nickname was ‘The Sweet Swatter from Sweetwater’ which was slightly less fearsome but no less artistic.
The South Wing AKA The ‘Plain Hilarious - Can I buy the gent who created it a drink’ Wing
'One Size' Fitz Hall (founding member) - In the 'Random Tasks' echelon of brilliance. And to think, a footballer came up with it.
'The Human Victory Cigar' Darko Milicic - Brilliant. Drafted 2nd overall in 2003, the NBA bust is considered so bad that he only plays when his team are up so big they can’t lose.
‘The Microwave’ Vinnie Johnson - The former Detroit Pistons player could come off the bench and heat up in seconds.
Elroy 'Crazy Legs' Hersch - . His nickname was affixed to him by a journalist who wrote ‘His crazy legs were gyrating in six different directions, all at the same time; he looked like a demented duck.’
‘He Hate Me’ Rod Smart - About the only everlasting piece of XFL history. Poor Rod never liked being anything but first choice.
'The Cat' Phil Tufnell - Terrible fielder but liked a nap.
Apollo ‘The Count of Monte Fisto’ Creed - Tough to beat a collection of nicknames including ‘The Master of Disaster,’ ‘The King of Sting’ and ‘The Dancing Destroyer’ but this does it.
‘Dr. Dunkenstein’ Darrel Griffith - At the top of the myriad of superb dunk related names. I’m kinda partial to ‘Lord of the Dunks,’ ‘Man O'Dunk’ and ‘Sir Dunkalot’ but I have to bow to the Dr.
Martin 'Chariots' Offiah - Classic.
‘Jesus Shuttlesworth’ Ray Allen - ‘He Got Game’ isn’t such a great movie but Ray-Ray’s character gets a great title.
‘The Human Rain Delay’ Mike Hargrove - Between every pitch, had such a long and elaborate routine that pitchers became irate with his deliberation.
Dennis 'The Non-flying Dutchman' Bergkamp - Almost unbelievable that such a talent hardly made it to away games in European competition.
'King of Spain' Ashley Giles - Some coffee mugs were intended to spell out ‘The King of Spin’ in honour of the England and Warwickshire spinner. They didn’t and fans were all the more happy with the result.
‘The Owl Without a Vowel’ Bill Mlkvy - Nuff said.
'Biscuit Pants' Lou Gehrig - The slugger had many a name in the majors; this one was probably the most bizarre….something to do with his portly posterior?
Pernell ‘Sweat Pea’ Whittaker - A brilliant boxer and sweet operator in the ring. If you didn’t know who he was though, you’d figure to have a chance.
'Mr. May'/'A-Roid' Alex Rodriguez - Any nickname has to be better than A-Rod and his recent postseason struggles and steroid admission have given his detractors some real ammunition.
The West Wing AKA The ‘Goldilocks...Just Right’ Wing
'Air Jordan’/‘His Airness' Michael Jordan - EVERYBODY knows it.
'The Big Unit' Randy Johnson - Defiantly a career as an adult star if he never became one of the most dominant pitchers ever. Brokers an interesting question; To be in the Baseball Hall of Fame for life or to be in a bunch of dumb blondes for life?
'The Rawalpindi Express' Shoaib Akhtar - He's from Rawalpindi. He's quick. Get it?
‘The Greatest’ Muhammed Ali - The Greatest. The only black man I’ve ever seen cheered at a hockey game.
'The Mailman' Karl Malone - Always delivers. Except never won an NBA title. So mostly delivers.
'The Bus' Jerome Bettis - You gotta ride the bus…
'The Mad Stork' Ted Hendricks - Tall? Yes. Lanky? Yes. Once rode into practice on a white horse wearing a German military helmet? Yes. A true Oakland Raider.
Dave ‘The Ghost’ Casper - Another Raider. They don’t miss a trick.
'Primetime' Deion Sanders - The man for the big occasion.
'Anytime' Devin Hester - Given to him by Sanders; the man for any occasion.
'The Fridge' William Perry - Big as one, regularly attended one.
'The Splendid Splinter' Ted Williams - Sounds like a superhero. In baseball terms he pretty much was.
‘The Italian Stallion’ Rocky Balboa - Adrian…
‘Mr. October’ Reggie Jackson - Played his best when it mattered most. No bigger compliment for a sportsman. Poor A-Rod…
Dick 'Night Train' Lane - From the record of the same name. Apparently he didn’t like it…why?
‘Vinsanity’/’Half Man Half Amazing’ Vince Carter - A spectacular player deserves such a label.
'Dr. J' Julius Erving - He didn’t spend three years in slam dunk school to be called Mister thank you.
'The Giambino' Jason Giambi - The reincarnation of the Babe. Except nowhere near as good. Just a small oversight in this setting.
The Shaq Wing AKA The’Whatever he chooses to call himself this week’ Wing
'Shaq Diesel'/'Shaqtus'/'Shaq-Fu'/'Dr. Shaq'/'Osama Bin Shaq'/'Wilt Chamberneazy'/’The Big Aristotle’/’The Big Stock Exchange’/’The Big IPO’/’The Big Havlicek’/’The Big Felon’/’Shaqcasso’/’The Big Knick-Knack’/’The Big Cactus’/’The Big Baryshnikov’/’Shaqovic’ Shaquille O'Neal - I’ve hardly got started…
Gone are the days 'The Black Panther' (Eusebio), Ervin 'Magic' Johnson and Lawrence 'Yogi' Berra but here we celebrate the finest monikers from sports history.
The East Wing AKA The ‘But I thought that was his real name’ Wing
'Yogi' Berra - A Hall of Fame Baseball player and creator of such remarks as ‘It’s like déjà vu all over again’ and ‘Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.’
'Satchel' Paige - Good name. Dull story. Trust me
Mirko 'Cro Cop' - He’s Croatian and a former cop. I guess ‘Cro Cop’ sounds plausible although I don’t the Filipovic (his real surname) family are thrilled by their neglect
'Tiger' Woods - Does Eldrick Tont Woods become the Icon and marketing dream that ‘Tiger’ has?
‘Butterbean’ - So good Eric Esch changed his name. One of his sons is nicknamed ‘Babybean.’
‘Magic’ Johnson - He revolutionised the game of Basketball and is fully entitled to as cool a nickname as there is in sports. By the way…First name Earvin.
'Babe' Ruth - AKA ‘The Bambino’ AKA ‘The Sultan on Swat.’ AKA George Herman Ruth Jr. The ‘Babe’ nickname was nowhere near original but he made it his own.
The North Wing AKA The ‘There is no way I’m getting a fight with this guy’ Wing
'The Axe Murderer' Wanderlei Silva - No. Nope. Never. Even if I was drunk. Even if he was drunk.
'Mean' Joe Greene - Apparently a real nice fella. The former NFL Lineman was the leader of perhaps the best nicknamed unit is sport’s history - ‘The Iron Curtain.’
Nick ‘The Fighting Bartender’ Delong - I’ve met them, I’ve been them. You don’t want to fight them.
'The Nigerian Nightmare' Christian Okoye - Truly terrifying. And somebody had to tackle him. His nickname? Scared.
David ‘Tank’ Abbott - Short, sharp and powerful. Much like his right hand.
Kasushi ‘Gracie Hunter’ Sakuraba - Any fighter who can brag about owning the most famous family in MMA has earnt their spot.
‘The Living Death’ Lew Jenkins - His other nickname was ‘The Sweet Swatter from Sweetwater’ which was slightly less fearsome but no less artistic.
The South Wing AKA The ‘Plain Hilarious - Can I buy the gent who created it a drink’ Wing
'One Size' Fitz Hall (founding member) - In the 'Random Tasks' echelon of brilliance. And to think, a footballer came up with it.
'The Human Victory Cigar' Darko Milicic - Brilliant. Drafted 2nd overall in 2003, the NBA bust is considered so bad that he only plays when his team are up so big they can’t lose.
‘The Microwave’ Vinnie Johnson - The former Detroit Pistons player could come off the bench and heat up in seconds.
Elroy 'Crazy Legs' Hersch - . His nickname was affixed to him by a journalist who wrote ‘His crazy legs were gyrating in six different directions, all at the same time; he looked like a demented duck.’
‘He Hate Me’ Rod Smart - About the only everlasting piece of XFL history. Poor Rod never liked being anything but first choice.
'The Cat' Phil Tufnell - Terrible fielder but liked a nap.
Apollo ‘The Count of Monte Fisto’ Creed - Tough to beat a collection of nicknames including ‘The Master of Disaster,’ ‘The King of Sting’ and ‘The Dancing Destroyer’ but this does it.
‘Dr. Dunkenstein’ Darrel Griffith - At the top of the myriad of superb dunk related names. I’m kinda partial to ‘Lord of the Dunks,’ ‘Man O'Dunk’ and ‘Sir Dunkalot’ but I have to bow to the Dr.
Martin 'Chariots' Offiah - Classic.
‘Jesus Shuttlesworth’ Ray Allen - ‘He Got Game’ isn’t such a great movie but Ray-Ray’s character gets a great title.
‘The Human Rain Delay’ Mike Hargrove - Between every pitch, had such a long and elaborate routine that pitchers became irate with his deliberation.
Dennis 'The Non-flying Dutchman' Bergkamp - Almost unbelievable that such a talent hardly made it to away games in European competition.
'King of Spain' Ashley Giles - Some coffee mugs were intended to spell out ‘The King of Spin’ in honour of the England and Warwickshire spinner. They didn’t and fans were all the more happy with the result.
‘The Owl Without a Vowel’ Bill Mlkvy - Nuff said.
'Biscuit Pants' Lou Gehrig - The slugger had many a name in the majors; this one was probably the most bizarre….something to do with his portly posterior?
Pernell ‘Sweat Pea’ Whittaker - A brilliant boxer and sweet operator in the ring. If you didn’t know who he was though, you’d figure to have a chance.
'Mr. May'/'A-Roid' Alex Rodriguez - Any nickname has to be better than A-Rod and his recent postseason struggles and steroid admission have given his detractors some real ammunition.
The West Wing AKA The ‘Goldilocks...Just Right’ Wing
'Air Jordan’/‘His Airness' Michael Jordan - EVERYBODY knows it.
'The Big Unit' Randy Johnson - Defiantly a career as an adult star if he never became one of the most dominant pitchers ever. Brokers an interesting question; To be in the Baseball Hall of Fame for life or to be in a bunch of dumb blondes for life?
'The Rawalpindi Express' Shoaib Akhtar - He's from Rawalpindi. He's quick. Get it?
‘The Greatest’ Muhammed Ali - The Greatest. The only black man I’ve ever seen cheered at a hockey game.
'The Mailman' Karl Malone - Always delivers. Except never won an NBA title. So mostly delivers.
'The Bus' Jerome Bettis - You gotta ride the bus…
'The Mad Stork' Ted Hendricks - Tall? Yes. Lanky? Yes. Once rode into practice on a white horse wearing a German military helmet? Yes. A true Oakland Raider.
Dave ‘The Ghost’ Casper - Another Raider. They don’t miss a trick.
'Primetime' Deion Sanders - The man for the big occasion.
'Anytime' Devin Hester - Given to him by Sanders; the man for any occasion.
'The Fridge' William Perry - Big as one, regularly attended one.
'The Splendid Splinter' Ted Williams - Sounds like a superhero. In baseball terms he pretty much was.
‘The Italian Stallion’ Rocky Balboa - Adrian…
‘Mr. October’ Reggie Jackson - Played his best when it mattered most. No bigger compliment for a sportsman. Poor A-Rod…
Dick 'Night Train' Lane - From the record of the same name. Apparently he didn’t like it…why?
‘Vinsanity’/’Half Man Half Amazing’ Vince Carter - A spectacular player deserves such a label.
'Dr. J' Julius Erving - He didn’t spend three years in slam dunk school to be called Mister thank you.
'The Giambino' Jason Giambi - The reincarnation of the Babe. Except nowhere near as good. Just a small oversight in this setting.
The Shaq Wing AKA The’Whatever he chooses to call himself this week’ Wing
'Shaq Diesel'/'Shaqtus'/'Shaq-Fu'/'Dr. Shaq'/'Osama Bin Shaq'/'Wilt Chamberneazy'/’The Big Aristotle’/’The Big Stock Exchange’/’The Big IPO’/’The Big Havlicek’/’The Big Felon’/’Shaqcasso’/’The Big Knick-Knack’/’The Big Cactus’/’The Big Baryshnikov’/’Shaqovic’ Shaquille O'Neal - I’ve hardly got started…
Self Destruction Essentials
So you're having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month. All of a sudden, one small catalyst has you shivering with disquiet, your mind a sharpened needle of possibility. You need to go out, cause some trouble, get a little crazy and remedy your problems on the end of one or seventeen shots of liquor.
These occasions don't occur all that often so it is understandable that people are generally unprepared. Here's what you need:
1. A credit card - Ok, you need some folding money for cabs but it's plastic that's gonna finance your evening. You're awash with reckless abandon so the more cards and the higher the limits the better. The credit card statement will be key in attempting to retrace your steps and give you a valuable reminder of your exploits.
2. A hip flask - Start as you mean to go on. An important weapon against closing times and inter-venue-travelling-sobriety. Plus, you will feel hella cool when you sip from it.
3. An iPhone - Oh what an invention. With it, you've got your pre-game music, a map to direct you home from whatever ditch/Belgian girls house/rural German village you wake up in and a host of other applications to help you survive the night and following day.
4. Friends - You don't want to do this alone. It's just not safe. Ideally you would have three or four, all of whom have no place important to be in the morning. You're likely to add to this group throughout the night and then lose them all but the original group will help define your mood.
5. Motivation - You gotta want it. You think it's easy to get drunk, loud and stupid? Well it's not. Set your sights high - do it with some style...
These occasions don't occur all that often so it is understandable that people are generally unprepared. Here's what you need:
1. A credit card - Ok, you need some folding money for cabs but it's plastic that's gonna finance your evening. You're awash with reckless abandon so the more cards and the higher the limits the better. The credit card statement will be key in attempting to retrace your steps and give you a valuable reminder of your exploits.
2. A hip flask - Start as you mean to go on. An important weapon against closing times and inter-venue-travelling-sobriety. Plus, you will feel hella cool when you sip from it.
3. An iPhone - Oh what an invention. With it, you've got your pre-game music, a map to direct you home from whatever ditch/Belgian girls house/rural German village you wake up in and a host of other applications to help you survive the night and following day.
4. Friends - You don't want to do this alone. It's just not safe. Ideally you would have three or four, all of whom have no place important to be in the morning. You're likely to add to this group throughout the night and then lose them all but the original group will help define your mood.
5. Motivation - You gotta want it. You think it's easy to get drunk, loud and stupid? Well it's not. Set your sights high - do it with some style...
Sunday, 14 June 2009
The First Eleven....Sporting Moments of the Decade
World Cups, World Championships, Olympic Games, World Series, Playoffs, Superbowls...the decade has had all the various platforms to deliver greatness.
The following are some of the most memorable, brilliant, unlikely, reality-defying wonders of the noughties. There will be omissions naturally, but I can live with that. Plus I'll probably change half the list next week.
The Boston Red Sox finally win the World Series 2004
1918, 'The Curse', Dave Roberts stealing second, David Ortiz's walk off in the 14th inning, Curt Schilling's bloody sock... Once they overturned a 3-0 series lead against the Yankees in the ALCS (only the third team in any of the four major American sports to overturn a 3-0 deficit) the World Series victory seemed inevitable. 86 years without a championship overcome in as wonderful, emotional and ridiculous a way as it had transpired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2JbRYrmf74&feature=related&pos=3
David Tyree's catch in the Superbowl 2008
On a third down play a backup wide receiver makes a tremendous catch against his helmet with a player (Rodney Harrison, one of the toughest defensive backs of all time) trying to hit the ball free in one of the biggest upsets in NFL history with his QB under all sorts of pressure setting up the winning touchdown in the last couple of minutes of the Superbowl. I'm out of breath...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMWmRBR4UzQ
Liverpool 3 - 3 AC Milan Champions League Final 2005
Milan were so dominant in the first half that it seemed that Liverpool would do well to avoid humiliation. After 15 minutes of soul searching and Lucozade drinking, the Reds came out and turned the footballing world upside down. So good it gives English football fans fond memories of Instanbul which is really saying something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE6m9kUDTpE
Texas Wins the Rose Bowl 2006
Maybe the greatest college football game ever played (apologies to Cal and Stanford). Two unbeaten teams with a shared 53 game unbeaten streak, featuring arguably the three best college players of the time - Heisman Trophy winners Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush plus Vince Young - meeting for the National Championship in front of 93,000 people. The build up was good, the game was even better. Vince Young threw for 267 yards and ran for 200 more with three TD's - the last winning the game with 19 seconds remaining to beat the much fancied USC 41-38.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8zZRBTOcnY&feature=related&pos=1
Zidane gets sent off in the World Cup final 2006
The story book ending to one of the great careers ever never quite came to pass. I'm still not entirely convinced that this ever actually happened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAjWi663kXc
Usain Bolt breaks 100m World Record 2008
He starts celebrating 30 metres from the line...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io8t2CHGNb4
Tiger wins the US Open 2008
When he calls it 'his best ever' it must be pretty special - and it was. Battling injury and continued problems on the first hole at Torrey Pines, Woods sunk some unbelievable putts, mastered the back nine and held off Rocco Mediate in a playoff. Better than any fictional film made about golf.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo95mUZiAVU
Lance Armstrong wins his 6th Tour de France 2004
An unparalleled achievement and one of the greatest stories of human endeavour culminated in his 6th straight Tour de France victory, breaking the record shared between greats Anquetil, Merckx, Hinault and Indurain. He won the following year as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQDjqAkLUB0
Michael Phelps wins 8 gold medals 2008
17 races, 9 days, 8 golds, 7 world records. If able to compete alone, he would have finished fourth in the medals table at Beijing. He is the most successful Olympian of all time. And he was probably high...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3paiELa7mA
Nadal v Federer Wimbledon Final 2008
The two best players in a generation met at the biggest tournament of the year and played a game for the ages. Federer was a five-time champion and had not been beaten on grass since 2002 and yet it was he played the role of the underdog after falling 2 sets to love down. He fought back against the undeniable Spaniard and was 2 points from victory himself in the fifth set, a set finally won 9-7 by Nadal after 4 hours and 48 minutes of play in the late evening on center court.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK4Abuboumc&feature=related&pos=2
England win the Ashes 2005
Australia won 8 straight Ashes series and retained the famous Urn for 18 years with apparent ease. In 2005, England were a team on-form and, inspired by Kevin Pietersen and Freddie Flintoff, they managed to wrestle victory from their arch enemies via two of the most thrilling test match finishes ever in the 2nd and 3rd tests. Of course the Aussies won the next series 5-0 but for one sweet, sweet summer, England were really good at cricket.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2AvCaFg51c&feature=related&pos=1
Also garnering attention: The Tiger Slam 2001, FA Cup Final 2006, Kobe scores 81 2006, Goran Ivanisevic wins Wimledon 2001, Lewis v Tyson 2002, Wilkinson drop goal wins Rugby World Cup 2003, Cathy Freeman wins gold in Sydney 2000, The 'tuck rule' game 2001, Montgomery wins the Ryder Cup 2004, Redgrave wins his 5th gold 2000, Morales v Barrera 2000
The following are some of the most memorable, brilliant, unlikely, reality-defying wonders of the noughties. There will be omissions naturally, but I can live with that. Plus I'll probably change half the list next week.
The Boston Red Sox finally win the World Series 2004
1918, 'The Curse', Dave Roberts stealing second, David Ortiz's walk off in the 14th inning, Curt Schilling's bloody sock... Once they overturned a 3-0 series lead against the Yankees in the ALCS (only the third team in any of the four major American sports to overturn a 3-0 deficit) the World Series victory seemed inevitable. 86 years without a championship overcome in as wonderful, emotional and ridiculous a way as it had transpired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2JbRYrmf74&feature=related&pos=3
David Tyree's catch in the Superbowl 2008
On a third down play a backup wide receiver makes a tremendous catch against his helmet with a player (Rodney Harrison, one of the toughest defensive backs of all time) trying to hit the ball free in one of the biggest upsets in NFL history with his QB under all sorts of pressure setting up the winning touchdown in the last couple of minutes of the Superbowl. I'm out of breath...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMWmRBR4UzQ
Liverpool 3 - 3 AC Milan Champions League Final 2005
Milan were so dominant in the first half that it seemed that Liverpool would do well to avoid humiliation. After 15 minutes of soul searching and Lucozade drinking, the Reds came out and turned the footballing world upside down. So good it gives English football fans fond memories of Instanbul which is really saying something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE6m9kUDTpE
Texas Wins the Rose Bowl 2006
Maybe the greatest college football game ever played (apologies to Cal and Stanford). Two unbeaten teams with a shared 53 game unbeaten streak, featuring arguably the three best college players of the time - Heisman Trophy winners Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush plus Vince Young - meeting for the National Championship in front of 93,000 people. The build up was good, the game was even better. Vince Young threw for 267 yards and ran for 200 more with three TD's - the last winning the game with 19 seconds remaining to beat the much fancied USC 41-38.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8zZRBTOcnY&feature=related&pos=1
Zidane gets sent off in the World Cup final 2006
The story book ending to one of the great careers ever never quite came to pass. I'm still not entirely convinced that this ever actually happened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAjWi663kXc
Usain Bolt breaks 100m World Record 2008
He starts celebrating 30 metres from the line...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io8t2CHGNb4
Tiger wins the US Open 2008
When he calls it 'his best ever' it must be pretty special - and it was. Battling injury and continued problems on the first hole at Torrey Pines, Woods sunk some unbelievable putts, mastered the back nine and held off Rocco Mediate in a playoff. Better than any fictional film made about golf.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo95mUZiAVU
Lance Armstrong wins his 6th Tour de France 2004
An unparalleled achievement and one of the greatest stories of human endeavour culminated in his 6th straight Tour de France victory, breaking the record shared between greats Anquetil, Merckx, Hinault and Indurain. He won the following year as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQDjqAkLUB0
Michael Phelps wins 8 gold medals 2008
17 races, 9 days, 8 golds, 7 world records. If able to compete alone, he would have finished fourth in the medals table at Beijing. He is the most successful Olympian of all time. And he was probably high...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3paiELa7mA
Nadal v Federer Wimbledon Final 2008
The two best players in a generation met at the biggest tournament of the year and played a game for the ages. Federer was a five-time champion and had not been beaten on grass since 2002 and yet it was he played the role of the underdog after falling 2 sets to love down. He fought back against the undeniable Spaniard and was 2 points from victory himself in the fifth set, a set finally won 9-7 by Nadal after 4 hours and 48 minutes of play in the late evening on center court.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK4Abuboumc&feature=related&pos=2
England win the Ashes 2005
Australia won 8 straight Ashes series and retained the famous Urn for 18 years with apparent ease. In 2005, England were a team on-form and, inspired by Kevin Pietersen and Freddie Flintoff, they managed to wrestle victory from their arch enemies via two of the most thrilling test match finishes ever in the 2nd and 3rd tests. Of course the Aussies won the next series 5-0 but for one sweet, sweet summer, England were really good at cricket.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2AvCaFg51c&feature=related&pos=1
Also garnering attention: The Tiger Slam 2001, FA Cup Final 2006, Kobe scores 81 2006, Goran Ivanisevic wins Wimledon 2001, Lewis v Tyson 2002, Wilkinson drop goal wins Rugby World Cup 2003, Cathy Freeman wins gold in Sydney 2000, The 'tuck rule' game 2001, Montgomery wins the Ryder Cup 2004, Redgrave wins his 5th gold 2000, Morales v Barrera 2000
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