Premiership Review in...Preview?

Having managed to fashion a time machine out of paint brushes, tomato puree and enthusiasm, I ticked the clock forward until the end of the football season to get a glimpse into what lies in store over the next few months for us football fans. No need to thank me. Here are the highlights:

August

The new football season kicks off with a 90 minute mark of respect for the late Bobby Robson, known as the Community Shield. The score? Unknown.

Real business begins with Chelsea beating Hull in the League opener thanks to a brace from forgotten striker Andrei Shevchenko. The Ukranian forward embraces new coach Carlo Ancelotti after both goals, causing John Terry and Frank Lampard to get into a right strop.
The same day, Arsenal get beaten at Everton and Arsene Wenger sensationally resigns claiming ‘I can’t win anything with this group of players. I don’t know who put this bunch together but they’re not good enough to polish Patrick Viera’s boots! Seriously! That’s why he wouldn’t come back!’ In an equally shocking move, Arsenal appoint Harry Redknapp as their new manager while Spurs react by hiring some foreigner that is apparently ‘really good.’

Man United and Liverpool both open their campaign with 2-0 victories, leading to a war of words between Fergie and Rafa as to who should be higher in the table. Benitez’ charges get the nod but the Liverpool boss is left quickly reeling by accusations that he is Michael Greco’s (Beppe di Marco in EastEnders circa 1998) long lost father. Rafa quickly brings in Greco for Liverpool’s home game with Stoke. Bentiez Jr, as he is now known, scores twice and three more before the end of the month as Liverpool set the early pace ahead of United, Everton and Wolves. The Midlander’s strong start is put down to ‘not being Sunderland’ by surprised manager Mick McCarthy.

September

The transfer window closes with it’s usual flurry of activity; Alex Ferguson breaks the domestic transfer record for Benitez Jr in a move branded as a ‘panic buy’ by the media but the 39 year old Spanish-Italian-English actor-poker player-forward quickly quells the doubters with a goal on his debut. Redknapp brings Defoe, Crouch and Pascal Chimbonda to Arsenal as well as a couple of dodgy DVD’s and some fairly moody looking watches while new Manchester City signing Ashley Cole refreshingly confirms that he moved to Eastlands for the money. Lots of it.

England play their first game of the new season, edging Slovenia at home friendly thanks to a late goal from Steven Gerrard. Fabio Capello looks suitably disinterested. Four days later, England confirm their place in the 2010 World Cup thanks to a 3-0 victory over Croatia at Wembley, leading to a nationwide sense of relief. Scott Carson says it best as he suggests ‘we should be in the World Cup, we’re England. As long as people like me don’t get involved it‘s a no brainer.’ Steve McClaren is seen nodding in the background.

The month’s Premiership action is highlighted by Birmingham’s visit to Burnley; the Turf Moor faithful are treated to not just a football game, but some top-class theatre as both teams endeavour to perform as if they were playing in the Championship. Elsewhere, Man City hold their cross-town neighbours to a draw while all wearing the number 32 and the name ‘Tevez’ on their shirts, Stoke stun Chelsea thanks to a Rory Delap hat-trick of throw-ins and West Ham and Fulham play a delightful 4-4 draw without a single tackle and with both coaches, Zola and Hodgson, holding hands for the entire second half.

The UEFA Champions League group stages begin with a much anticipated rematch between Barcelona and Manchester United; the game ends in a draw but is not without incident as Ji-Sung Park is sent off for ‘trying a little too hard.’ In other action, Michael Ballack rediscovers his form as Chelsea beat Bordeaux in France, Andrei Arshavin leads Arsenal to victories over both Porto and Stuttgart and Liverpool’s Yossi ’the diamond’ Benayoun scores his 15th Liverpool goal, triggering a clause in his contract that allows him more than just half-time oranges for sustenance. He quickly balloons to 300lbs and is last seen guest hosting Israeli Blind Date.

The UEFA Europa League opens with a bang as...stuff…happens...don’t ask me. Nobody cares. Speaking of which, the League Cup gets going…

October

England are back in action as they travel to Ukraine. Difficult weather conditions mar what should have been a thrilling encounter between two teams that have nothing to play for and the game ends in a dull 5-4 victory for the English. Belarus are dispatched a few days later as England maintain their 100% qualifying record under Capello and the Italian is given the freedom of the city of Sheffield. In his words, he is ‘be-mus-ed.’

The Republic of Ireland host Italy. Italy wins.

Liverpool burst into form in the League with Fernando Torres scoring 6 in 4 games, including the winners against rivals Chelsea and Manchester United. Dirk Kuyt is thrilled for him. They top the table by four points as we head into November with the usual suspects close behind. At the bottom, injury-hit Aston Villa have gotten off to their worst start in Premiership history and are joined by Burnley and Portsmouth in the drop-zone.

November

Villa’s woes continue as Ashley Young and John Carew join their wounded. Martin O’Neill laments the lack of squad depth and also reveals that he can’t motivate the likes of Carlos Cuellar and Marlon Harewood as they simply don’t believe him when he tells them ‘they can do it.’ Other strugglers Stoke, Bolton, Burnley, Portsmouth and Birmingham create a pact to draw all their remaining games with each other and to limit South-East Asian aggression in the technology markets.

Bolton have surged into the top-6 with a remarkably continental, open and exciting brand of football. Oh, did I not mention that Gary Megson went on gardening leave a couple of months back and Roberto di Matteo is in charge? Other managerial news includes Alan Curbishley replacing Paul Hart at Pompey and Joe Kinnear holding a nightly vigil outside St. James’ Park, insisting the board promised him his job back in a vision.

December

The festive period is anything but that for Emmanuel Adebayor as he is forced out for the rest of the season with a stomach ulcer from the stress of not being worth £25million. A milder form of the injury spreads quickly in the locker room and City struggle during the month, barely putting out a team of internationals against Sunderland.

The game of the season so far takes place at the Reebok Stadium as Bolton succumb to West Ham; the Hammers twice trail but fight back thanks to three goals from Dean Ashton and eventually run out 4-2 winners. Gianfranco Zola and Roberto di Matteo, former team mates at Chelsea, hold a joint press conference after the game and brand the game a ‘victory for football’ and a ’showpiece of entertainment’ and ‘an illustration of one man’s love for another.’ The journalists in attendance are left punch-drunk from the floral language and homoerotic atmosphere. Days later, the pair are snapped sharing a bottle of wine, some spaghetti a la vongole and a hotel room. Let’s not get into that…

All four English teams qualify from their Champions League groups with apparent ease. Most other European heavyweights also make the Knockout phase with the notable exception of Bayern Munich who labour from the start and finish bottom of their group. Team President Karl-Heinz Rummenigge admits that the club’s efforts to hold on so tightly to Franck Ribery left them exhausted for the upcoming season, ‘in hindsight, I guess it wasn’t such a smart idea having our whole midfield spend pre-season outside Franck’s room with a large crucifix and some holy water. And we also may have made a mistake sacrificing Mario Gomez to the footballing God’s. We’ve yet to see any real return from that.’

Leo Messi wins FIFA World Player of the Year for, traditionally, being the best player in the World until May.

The final action of the year is marked by Man United returning to the top after beating Wigan. Liverpool follow just a point behind with Chelsea, Everton, Tottenham, Blackburn and Arsenal rounding out the top-6. Villa are seven points adrift at the foot of the table, joined in the drop-zone by Burnley and Wolves.

January

The transfer window reopens and Villa are quick to sign out-of-favour Shaun Wright-Phillips. Martin O’Neill believes the former Man City winger will add competition for places on the bench and more balance in their training sessions. The biggest move of the window sees Chelsea spend £26million on Wolfsburg forward Edin Dzeko while Luca Toni moves to West Ham and Harry Redknapp is at it again with the additions of a Latvian tap dancer, a Romanian meteorologist and the ghost of Bobby Moore.

Papa Bouba Diop’s Portsmouth jersey becomes a huge worldwide seller as people realise how cool his name is.

Joey Barton returns to action and barely even touches the four players he assaults in a mass brawl. His disturbance overshadows an excellent month of Premiership football featuring a Peter Crouch-Emile Heskey dance off, a Marouanne Fellaini haircut, Aaron Lennon being sidelined for the rest of the year with an eyebrow injury, a Dimitar Berbatov sprint and a goal for Bobby Zamora. Bless.

There are FA Cup shocks-a-plenty as last year’s finalists Everton head a list of Premiership sides beaten by lower level teams however Newport County, five divisions and one country lower (they’re Welsh) than opposition Stoke, lose in the televised fixture leading to widespread calls that the romance of the competition is dead.

A new competition called the ‘League Cup Semi-Finals’ springs up out of nowhere with four teams competing for a place in a Wembley final and a European qualifying spot. Arsenal beat Spurs in a heated encounter in which Vedran Corluka is sent off for for arguing as to whether his two fingered salute to his own fans is unsporting behaviour or ungentlemanly conduct. In the other Semi, Man United defeats Roy Keane’s Ipswich Town side but it is Keane who wins the moral victory, narrowly out-glaring Ferguson over the two legs.

February

The month’s big news story centres around Michael Owen. The United forward, after a prolific season, is recalled to the England squad but is left on the bench for the friendly against the Dutch and decides to retire from International football after Carlton Cole, Dean Ashton, Les Ferdinand’s 14 year old daughter and a rather lifeless looking courgette are brought on ahead of him. David Beckham also plays in the fixture and empathises with Owen, ‘when I wasn’t in the squad it was tough to watch other players wear my number, miss penalties or get booed by fans. It was like I lost my identity. I feel bad for Michael, I mean, Carlton Cole…wow, that’s cold.’

Mark Hughes is shown the door at City as they sit in mid-table mediocrity and have struggled away from home. Hughes is further criticised for his 4-1-3-Robinho-1 formation which, when Robinho isn’t fit or interested, doesn’t seem overly effective. Sven-Goran Eriksson steps into the breach for a second spell, citing the fact that his Director of Football job at Notts County leaves him plenty of time for an actual job.

Arsenal win the League Cup. Or was it United? I was watching repeats of Frasier at the time.

March

In a staggering move, Rafa Benitez shaves off his goatee in the wake of Liverpool’s defeat at Old Trafford. More controversy follows as he now doesn’t look all that much like his supposed son and Benitez Jr is quickly forgotten by the footballing world despite his record of 38 goals in 24 games, two Oscars and a Nobel Prize for awesomeness. Teammate Wayne Rooney is praised by the press for his goalscoring prowess and managing to persuade a decent looking prostitute to have sex with him.

The month closes with United holding a four point lead at the summit, Phil Brown at number 6 in the charts, Jose Bosingwa leaving to join the circus and Kieron Dyer getting match fit. Ok, I lied about that last one.

April

Liverpool and Chelsea compete in an epic FA Cup Semi-Final with the Blues finally winning the day after Joe Cole’s last minute winner. Unfortunately, Didier Drogba injures himself while diving and is ruled out for the rest of the season and the forthcoming World Cup. Arsenal salvage their season as they beat Manchester City in the other Semi thanks to a goal from Tomas Rosicky. Yeah, I know, forgot about him too.

The Champions League Quarter and Semi Finals see all the English teams knocked out of the tournament. Real Madrid defeat both Chelsea and Manchester United in consecutive games while Arsenal fall to Juventus in the Quarters and Liverpool lose on penalties to Barcelona in the Semis. A mouth-watering final between Real Madrid and Barcelona awaits.

In the league, Villa take 10 points from their 4 games thanks to the returning powers of Ashley Young, Stilian Petrov and Martin O’Neill’s motivation and find themselves eerily close to safety after looking virtually down a few weeks previous. Chelsea are the other big climbers as they take advantage of their European exit to win all their month’s fixtures, including a 2-1 win at Old Trafford, and find themselves right in the title hunt. Everton, Blackburn, Spurs, Man City and a few others resign themselves to another season of finishing somewhere in the middlish.

May

The Premiership season draws to a close with matters at both ends of the table very much up in the air. The penultimate round of fixtures sees Man United held 1-1 at Sunderland thanks to Darren Bent’s 31st goal of the season and ten-man Liverpool hold off Chelsea 1-0 at Anfield. All three teams are locked on 81 points going into the final day with United leading the other pair on goal difference and Andy Gray taken ill with excitement. On the last day, United lead Stoke with 10 minutes to go but, as the players all look at the Old Trafford scoreboard in unison, concede on a hoofed clearance by Amdy Faye with two minutes remaining. Chelsea beat Wigan but it’s left to Liverpool to hoist the Premiership trophy thanks to Steven Gerrard driving his team to victory, then back down the M62 to Liverpool afterwards. Arsenal finish fourth. Again.

At the bottom, Blackburn play a resurgent Aston Villa side for the chance to retain their Premiership status. Early goals from Nigel Reo-Coker and Gabi Agbonlahor give the Villains the win and sends their fans into raptures at their unlikely escape. Blackburn join Hull and Burnley in falling into the newly renamed ‘Sanli Tuncay Memorial Championship’ after the Turk’s virtuoso season with Middlesbrough in which he scores 48 goals, wins the mid-season talent show and leads his team to back to the big time.

The UEFA Europa League Final. The gay, retarded, shy nephew of the Champions League. Ends 4-2. Valencia beat Werder Bremen in an excellent advertisement for the competition. Watch it. You might like it.

The FA Cup Final. The bastion of English sport. The most famous cup competition in the World. Ends 0-0. Chelsea win on penalties after 120 minutes that are the nadir of the entire season. That chick singing the national anthem was pretty smoking though so it’s not a whole loss.

The Champions League Final. The big one. The grand honcho. The zenith of the club calender. Ends 2-1. Barcelona retain their title with a dazzling display of pace, movement, passing and slight of hand magic tricks. The 80,000 Real Madrid fans inside the Santiago Bernabeu are devastated as their plucky, gritty, lionhearted, longshot, home grown bunch of underdogs are defeated, ending their fairytale season. Extra headlines are made after the final whistle as Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini squabble over who gets to stand last in line handing out the medals and Cristiano Ronaldo makes a public plea to former manager Alex Ferguson to bring him back to Manchester. Turns out white isn’t his colour.

Fixture Forecast

The 20 games that could define the next season for the 20 Premier League Teams:

Saturday August 15th

1. Chelsea v Hull - The 09/10 season begins here with an encounter between a newly-directed Chelsea side that have struggled to match the high standards set by their owner over the last couple of years, and a Hull team that scraped survival last year but began their inaugural Premiership season on fine form. Not sure what Carlo Ancelotti will make of this Phil Brown fella.

Potential Hero - Deco. Just kidding. Frank Lampard is more conceivable.

2. Everton v Arsenal - No team has more question marks surrounding them right now than the Gunners. The crux of the discussion centers around whether they a talented young team, ready to mature and win their first trophy in four years or whether the losses of Adebayor and Toure are symptomatic of their decline. Everton will be looking to build on successive 5th places and last season's FA Cup Final.

Potential Hero - Marouanne Fellaini's barber.

Wednesday August 19th

3. Burnley v Man Utd - With no disrespect to Stoke, this is where the big time begins for the Clarets; at home, to the champions. United have not started all that smoothly over the last few years and can't afford to add ammunition to their post-Ronaldo doubters.

Potential Hero - If it's not Brian Jensen then Burnley might have a problem.

Saturday August 29th

4. Man Utd v Arsenal - The first meeting between any of the Premiership's most potent powers.

Potential Hero - Anyone who manages to sit through half an hour of Andy Gray after the game.

Sunday September 13th

5. Birmingham v Aston Villa - The Second City Derby has been an infrequent feature of the Premiership era, despite Villa's constant place in the top flight. The Blues will no doubt already be eyeing this fixture but it's the Villain's that may have more to play for at this stage. Word is that Martin O'Neill may be under a little pressure to propel his team to a top-4 finish and derby defeat could be troubling.

Potential Hero - Martin O'Neill. Love that guy.

Sunday September 20th

6. Man Utd v Man City - A likely barometer of both team's chances of success this year. All eyes on Carlos Tevez.

Potential Hero - Anybody but Carlos Tevez.

Saturday October 3rd

7. West Ham v Fulham - Would have been a very enjoyable game to watch last term, featuring two surprising sides that played good football. Hopefully a encore is in store.

Potential Hero - Gianfranco Zola. He would easily be the best player on the park in this game.

Saturday October 17th

8. Portsmouth v Tottenham - Portsmouth don't have enough players. Tottenham have too many yet it's Savvy Harry that's adding from the Fratton Park stable. Portsmouth need to perform well at home if they are to enjoy Premiership fixtures for another year.

Potential Hero - Peter Crouch or Jermain Defoe.

Sunday October 25th

9. Liverpool v Man Utd - Last year's title contending pair meet for the first time. Liverpool did the double over their rivals last season but saw United equal their record for most League trophies.

Potential Hero - Nemanja Vidic might be due. Torres might be injured. The two could go hand-in-hand.

Saturday October 31st

10. Arsenal v Tottenham - The same fixture finished 4-4 last year in arguably the game of the season (honorable mention to Liverpool 4 - 4 Arsenal and Liverpool 4 - 4 Chelsea in the Champions League). No pressure on this match then.

Potential Hero - Whoever Arsenal sign in the next couple of weeks.

Saturday December 12th

11. Liverpool v Arsenal - Two heavyweights meet days after the final round of Champions League group fixtures. Andrei Arshavin will no doubt be eyeing this fixture.

Potential Hero - See above.

Saturday December 26th

12. Hull v Man Utd - Crazy things tend to happen in the games over the Christmas period and this could be a prime example. Expect a day of abundant goals, red cards and bottom feeders nibbling away at the big fish.

Potential Hero - Jimmy Bullard could be back playing. Michael Owen should already be back scoring.

Monday December 28th

13. Aston Villa v Liverpool - The marquee game in the last round of fixtures for 2009.

Potential Hero - Looks like a Steven Gerrard 'scruff-of-the-neck' kinda game

Saturday January 16th

14. Everton v Man City - City will have to improve away from Eastlands to contend and Everton have more competition than ever to be the best of the rest.

Potential Hero - I'm hoping it's Jo and not Joleon.

Saturday February 20th

15. Blackburn v Bolton - Grit. Determination. Tenacity. Other Synonyms. My money's on a 0-0 and last segment on Match of the Day.

Potential Hero - Whoever commentates and stays excited throughout.

Saturday February 27th

16. Stoke v Arsenal - Stoke's victory over Arsenal launched their season last time around against perennially bullied Arsenal. A benchmark for both teams progress.

Potential Hero - Robin van Persie? I don't know, why you asking me?

Saturday March 6th

17. Wigan v Liverpool - Roberto versus Rafa. Hopefully the Spaniards will be knee-deep in attractive, expansive football as the sun starts to come out. I have my doubts.

Potential Hero - Someone Spanish.

Saturday April 3rd

18. Sunderland v Tottenham - The Darren Bent Bowl.

Potential Hero - Um...Darren....B...Be...Ben...no, I can't bring myself to type that.

Saturday May 1st

19. Liverpool v Chelsea - A six-pointer between two of the main protagonists in the penultimate week of the season. But will it matter?

Potential Hero - Didier Drogba's agent, already working to get his client a lucrative move for the 2010/11 season.

Sunday May 9th

20. Bolton v Birmingham - It's far more likely that the fate of the teams at the foot of the table, rather than the top, will be at stake come the last day of the season. This seems a candidate for some exaggerated Sky Sports video packages about the 'colossal' and 'monumental' nature of survival. Can't wait.

Potential Hero - Any player who doesn't get injured ahead of the 2010 World Cup.

Gym Folks

I go to the gym. I’ve been going intermittently for about eight years and, more often that, I run and lift and cycle on my own with only some fairly loud, abrasive music for company.

Spend enough time anywhere and the details of the setting will expand upon you. In my gym, there’s one bike that has a loose saddle, a rogue weight that doesn’t match any of the others and a treadmill that is desperate to break under the continued pressure of overweight activity. Perhaps more interestingly, at least I hope so for the purposes of this blog entry, are some of the individuals that frequent the place.

A large proportion of them seem to fall into a few amusing categories:

The Eastern European

He’s 6’3. His name is Yevgeny or Bogdan (I‘ve never asked). He only ever wears a white Sergio Tacchini shell suit with matching cap, never does cardio and balances weights on his neck. He may also growl on occasion.

The Peacock

It doesn’t matter where he is, he will gravitate towards any reflective surface and try to subtly flex. It’s not for the girls, it’s not for the boys, it’s for him. Good for him.

Lady Walks-a-lot

Powerwalking not only looks ridiculous, it’s useless. Try telling her that…

The Chatterbox

Ok, so they work out, but that’s not why they’re there. They linger and when you get tired and can hardly return fire, they strike. What’s sign language for ‘leave me to suffer in peace?’

The Get-Big-Quick-Guy

Despairs at the fact that after two weeks of bicep curls and all the supplements he can buy legally, he still doesn’t look like a ‘Mens Fitness’ cover model. Not to worry, he’ll get bored pretty soon.

The Spotter

They mean well bless ‘em but having someone stand over you and hail abuse at you to ‘push’ you is not always the motivational tool they may think it is. Very likely to have had abusive parents.

The Pro

You’re indoors. Is that skintight bike replica Tour de France jersey doing anything for you other than making you look silly? You want us to look at you and see an athlete. All we see is doofus.

The Show Off

Left to their own devices, harmless. Problematically, the gym is rarely a place for solitude and, as soon as there is another person in close vicinity, those weights are going up and so is the risk of injury. Note; no girl is sleeping with you because you bench 115 kgs….badly.

The Old Man

I don’t know why he’s there. I’m pretty sure he doesn't know either.

That Fella Who Can’t Wait To Get Naked And Stay That Way In The Changing Room

There’s always one…