One of my friends was trying to persuade me to go to speed dating with him this Sunday. I politely declined (I don't know him well enough to be my usually contemptful self) yet in honour of his invitation, I thought I would spend the three minutes that I would have been forced to pass with someone-who-needs-to attend-a speed-dating mixer-to-talk-to-people on thinking up potentially the worst comments you could open up your micro-relationship with.
1. While looking around...'Jeez, I can't believe i showered and everything for this'
2. 'What do I do? You know the BNP? Yeah, thats me.'
3. As soon as you sit down, very loudly shout 'No!' and get up.
4. As soon as you sit down, very loudly shout 'No!' and get up, walk to the bar, down a couple of shots and return to your seat.
5. 'God I hope your not a lesbian like the last one.'
6. Nothing. Just say absolutely nothing until they freak out. Should be about a minute and a half.
7. 'So listen, if you want to do this we should really get going coz my wife/mother is gonna be home in like a half hour.'
8. 'Wow, did you know your eyes are the same colour as my scooter?'
9. Any Joke from sickipedia (http://www.sickipedia.org/).
10. Just whisper 'sex' after every sentence.
11. Anything you honestly think. Eg. 'You look better from where I was sitting before,' I'm pretty much just killing time with you until I get to talk to the hot girl behind you' or 'I hope none of my girlfriend's friends are here or I am busted.'
What? My time is up? I was starting to enjoy that...
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
The Starting Five...Ways the Orlando Magic can beat the Lakers
NBA Finals time! But wasn't this advertised as Kobe v Lebron? The Black Mamba v The King? Last season's MVP v This season's MVP? I could go on, as has been the volume of coverage promoting the final that will never be.
Well, Lebron, the Cavs and just about everyone have come to grips with the fact that some team from Florida has crashed the party. And not in a 'if anyone asks why we're here we'll just say we thought this was our friends house' kind of way. They are here to stay, they are here to play and they could be about to rewrite this season's script once again.
But the Lakers are prohibitive favourites; 1/3 with most bookmakers, they were the best in the west and are returning finalists. What will the Magic have to do to overcome the mighty Lakers?
Plenty. They have to overcome a lack of experience, LA's home court advantage, history (the Magic have never won the NBA Championships, the Lakers have won 14) and the opinions of just about every non-Magic fan and analyst. Even Barrack Obama has picked the Lakers.
The series begins in Los Angeles on Thursday night and Orlando would go a long way to winning their first NBA Finals with a victory. Yes, it would rest away the home court advantage, yes it would silence the critics, yes it would set the tone and yes, their victories over the champion Celtics and the champion-elect Cavaliers both began with wins on the road in game 1. Ok, so every team wants to win the first game for many of the reasons above. But the Magic have to win it. Hall of Fame Lakers coach Phil Jackson is, and this is one of the most impressive, amazing, pseudo-unrealistic stats ever, 43-0 in series when his team wins the first game. He also has 9 NBA Championships as a coach and has a 205-90 record in the playoffs to back that stat up.
Whether they win tomorrow's game or not, a single trick will not result in the fairytale finish for the Magic. They will need something as super-natural as their name suggests - Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's 6'11, 270 pound black fella who would probably do more damage to Lois Lane than Clark Kent ever did. Dwight Howard is the NBA's version of Superman and will need to play like it if his team are to beat the Lakers. The good news for all Magic fans? The 23 year old former no. 1 pick is starting to look every bit the superstar that they, and the league, envisioned he would be; against Cleveland he averaged 25.8 points, 13 rebounds and 2.8 assists and had two of his best playoff performances - game 4 when he took over OT with 10 points in the 5 minute period and game 6 when he scored 40 points to add to 14 rebounds and 4 assists. In that series, Howard raised his FT% to .701 and punished the Cavaliers from the line while being ruthless around the basket.
Most of what Orlando do offensively centers around Howard; their pick and rolls, their 3-point kick outs and obviously their inside game rely on Dwight being a constant threat, being the kind of presence that scares an opponent to their size 15 boots. In last year's finals, Pau Gasol's play was called 'soft' by many. This year, a tougher looking Gasol and fellow big man Andrew Bynum will be asked to handle Howard and limit his impact. If he can win that match-up and do so comprehensively on both ends of the floor, then Orlando can do to the Lakers what they did to the Cavs.
The Cavaliers did pose the Magic a major problem. Unfortunately for them, in the most part it was just the one. Lebron James had one of the most memorable succession of performances in playoff history and almost single-handedly kept the Kobe v Lebron bandwaggon rolling (49 points in game 1, the last second 3 in game 2, 41 points in game 3, 44 points and two clutch free throws as time expired in game 4, 37-14-12 in one of the finest, controlled performances ever and his will only seemed broken finally in game 6 - he still had 25 points. Hell, he looked tired towards the end of game 1 and finally couldn't even muster the strength for a post-game handshake after their exit).
Unfortunately for Lebron, he had about as much help as Maradona in the 1986 World Cup, Roger Federer in the Davis Cup and House in...House.
However, the Lakers seem to have far more weapons and should force Orlando to work harder defensively as individuals and as a team. The key for the Magic, as well it may be for the Lakers, will be to keep their opponents out of the paint; they can't afford to have Howard pick up early fouls, they can't afford to let Kobe receive the ball near the basket and they can't afford to let Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom to post double-doubles and dominate upfront. If they do, they will be exposed. The matchups do not seem to favour the Magic but in Howard they have the Defensive MVP and can look to the aggression and physicality that Mickael Pietrus showed in shadowing Lebron as to how to defend Kobe.
While Gasol and Bryant will garner most of the attention both on and off the floor, the keys to the Lakers success may well be the pairing of Trevor Ariza and Lamar Odom. Both had big moments against the Nuggets in the Conference Finals and both offer the versatility, speed, size and savvy to limit supreme scorers and matchup nightmares Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis. On the other end of the court they shoot the long ball and force Orlando's playmakers to expend energy they would otherwise use while attacking.
Against the Cavs, Lewis shot .484 from three-point-land and Mickael Pietrus shot .472 - Those ridiculously high numbers actually don't even do justice to the regularity with which the Magic hit shots at key moments - Turkoglu's numbers were just average but between the three of them and the dangerous yet inconsistent Rafer Alston, Orlando pose the ultimate perimeter threat. For them to win this series, they will have to maintain that threat by sustain their quick ball movement and continuing their scary scoring streak.
Three key factors in the Magic's two regular season victories over the Lakers (106-103 and 109-103) were Dwight Howard's dominance - check, their outside shooting - check and Jameer Nelson - .....Nelson....Nelson....Bueller?
Nelson has been on the shelf since February 2nd with a torn labrum (shoulder) but has begun full training in recent days and many feel he could play in the Finals. The All-Star won't be returning to full-time service against Los Angeles but this is the guy that finished off the Lakers in both their games this year (52 points in the two games) and even limited minutes from him could be a catalyst for Orlando. How fit is he? More importantly, how long would it take him to return to form? The Finals is hardly the place for shooting practice and the Magic have got this far without him but the point guard was having a breakout year before injury and can at least provide some depth. If he gets on the court and shows what Orlando have been missing then all bets are off.
Nelson's influence off the bench is an unknown quantity going into Thursday night but the gentleman he will share the job of balancing Stan Van Gundy (one of my favourite pics http://www.nba.com/media/heat/hpg0506_051112_vangundy.jpg) with have already proven themselves in the post season. Pietrus, Courtney Lee and Marcin Gortat have all made important contributions and the Magic have not skipped a beat with them on the floor. Tony Battie will likely be handed a larger role in helping to counter the Lakers 'bigs' and J.J Reddick could yet get hot in the playoffs. Orlando's bench has powered them to these finals; they have more depth, more options and more quality than LA and the longer the series goes on, the greater prominence some of those role players will have.
So I've just spent the best part 5 hours documenting what the Magic will have to do to beat the Lakers. Ultimately, the tension, the glare and the intensity of the Finals will do as much to seperate these two teams as anything - will the main protagonists excel or hide? Will the replacements make themselves heroes? Throughout the post season, the unheralded gatecrashers from Florida have executed and captured the momentum when it came their way. If they continue in that manner, they can lift their first title.
Am i convinced? No. Lakers in six.
Well, Lebron, the Cavs and just about everyone have come to grips with the fact that some team from Florida has crashed the party. And not in a 'if anyone asks why we're here we'll just say we thought this was our friends house' kind of way. They are here to stay, they are here to play and they could be about to rewrite this season's script once again.
But the Lakers are prohibitive favourites; 1/3 with most bookmakers, they were the best in the west and are returning finalists. What will the Magic have to do to overcome the mighty Lakers?
Plenty. They have to overcome a lack of experience, LA's home court advantage, history (the Magic have never won the NBA Championships, the Lakers have won 14) and the opinions of just about every non-Magic fan and analyst. Even Barrack Obama has picked the Lakers.
The series begins in Los Angeles on Thursday night and Orlando would go a long way to winning their first NBA Finals with a victory. Yes, it would rest away the home court advantage, yes it would silence the critics, yes it would set the tone and yes, their victories over the champion Celtics and the champion-elect Cavaliers both began with wins on the road in game 1. Ok, so every team wants to win the first game for many of the reasons above. But the Magic have to win it. Hall of Fame Lakers coach Phil Jackson is, and this is one of the most impressive, amazing, pseudo-unrealistic stats ever, 43-0 in series when his team wins the first game. He also has 9 NBA Championships as a coach and has a 205-90 record in the playoffs to back that stat up.
Whether they win tomorrow's game or not, a single trick will not result in the fairytale finish for the Magic. They will need something as super-natural as their name suggests - Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's 6'11, 270 pound black fella who would probably do more damage to Lois Lane than Clark Kent ever did. Dwight Howard is the NBA's version of Superman and will need to play like it if his team are to beat the Lakers. The good news for all Magic fans? The 23 year old former no. 1 pick is starting to look every bit the superstar that they, and the league, envisioned he would be; against Cleveland he averaged 25.8 points, 13 rebounds and 2.8 assists and had two of his best playoff performances - game 4 when he took over OT with 10 points in the 5 minute period and game 6 when he scored 40 points to add to 14 rebounds and 4 assists. In that series, Howard raised his FT% to .701 and punished the Cavaliers from the line while being ruthless around the basket.
Most of what Orlando do offensively centers around Howard; their pick and rolls, their 3-point kick outs and obviously their inside game rely on Dwight being a constant threat, being the kind of presence that scares an opponent to their size 15 boots. In last year's finals, Pau Gasol's play was called 'soft' by many. This year, a tougher looking Gasol and fellow big man Andrew Bynum will be asked to handle Howard and limit his impact. If he can win that match-up and do so comprehensively on both ends of the floor, then Orlando can do to the Lakers what they did to the Cavs.
The Cavaliers did pose the Magic a major problem. Unfortunately for them, in the most part it was just the one. Lebron James had one of the most memorable succession of performances in playoff history and almost single-handedly kept the Kobe v Lebron bandwaggon rolling (49 points in game 1, the last second 3 in game 2, 41 points in game 3, 44 points and two clutch free throws as time expired in game 4, 37-14-12 in one of the finest, controlled performances ever and his will only seemed broken finally in game 6 - he still had 25 points. Hell, he looked tired towards the end of game 1 and finally couldn't even muster the strength for a post-game handshake after their exit).
Unfortunately for Lebron, he had about as much help as Maradona in the 1986 World Cup, Roger Federer in the Davis Cup and House in...House.
However, the Lakers seem to have far more weapons and should force Orlando to work harder defensively as individuals and as a team. The key for the Magic, as well it may be for the Lakers, will be to keep their opponents out of the paint; they can't afford to have Howard pick up early fouls, they can't afford to let Kobe receive the ball near the basket and they can't afford to let Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom to post double-doubles and dominate upfront. If they do, they will be exposed. The matchups do not seem to favour the Magic but in Howard they have the Defensive MVP and can look to the aggression and physicality that Mickael Pietrus showed in shadowing Lebron as to how to defend Kobe.
While Gasol and Bryant will garner most of the attention both on and off the floor, the keys to the Lakers success may well be the pairing of Trevor Ariza and Lamar Odom. Both had big moments against the Nuggets in the Conference Finals and both offer the versatility, speed, size and savvy to limit supreme scorers and matchup nightmares Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis. On the other end of the court they shoot the long ball and force Orlando's playmakers to expend energy they would otherwise use while attacking.
Against the Cavs, Lewis shot .484 from three-point-land and Mickael Pietrus shot .472 - Those ridiculously high numbers actually don't even do justice to the regularity with which the Magic hit shots at key moments - Turkoglu's numbers were just average but between the three of them and the dangerous yet inconsistent Rafer Alston, Orlando pose the ultimate perimeter threat. For them to win this series, they will have to maintain that threat by sustain their quick ball movement and continuing their scary scoring streak.
Three key factors in the Magic's two regular season victories over the Lakers (106-103 and 109-103) were Dwight Howard's dominance - check, their outside shooting - check and Jameer Nelson - .....Nelson....Nelson....Bueller?
Nelson has been on the shelf since February 2nd with a torn labrum (shoulder) but has begun full training in recent days and many feel he could play in the Finals. The All-Star won't be returning to full-time service against Los Angeles but this is the guy that finished off the Lakers in both their games this year (52 points in the two games) and even limited minutes from him could be a catalyst for Orlando. How fit is he? More importantly, how long would it take him to return to form? The Finals is hardly the place for shooting practice and the Magic have got this far without him but the point guard was having a breakout year before injury and can at least provide some depth. If he gets on the court and shows what Orlando have been missing then all bets are off.
Nelson's influence off the bench is an unknown quantity going into Thursday night but the gentleman he will share the job of balancing Stan Van Gundy (one of my favourite pics http://www.nba.com/media/heat/hpg0506_051112_vangundy.jpg) with have already proven themselves in the post season. Pietrus, Courtney Lee and Marcin Gortat have all made important contributions and the Magic have not skipped a beat with them on the floor. Tony Battie will likely be handed a larger role in helping to counter the Lakers 'bigs' and J.J Reddick could yet get hot in the playoffs. Orlando's bench has powered them to these finals; they have more depth, more options and more quality than LA and the longer the series goes on, the greater prominence some of those role players will have.
So I've just spent the best part 5 hours documenting what the Magic will have to do to beat the Lakers. Ultimately, the tension, the glare and the intensity of the Finals will do as much to seperate these two teams as anything - will the main protagonists excel or hide? Will the replacements make themselves heroes? Throughout the post season, the unheralded gatecrashers from Florida have executed and captured the momentum when it came their way. If they continue in that manner, they can lift their first title.
Am i convinced? No. Lakers in six.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Kaka? He aint that bad...
So it seems, late on this tuesday evening, that the former European and World footballer of the year will be a Madrid player by morning. And the saving grace for any Milan fan? If he doesn't, he would likely become the latest protagonist to leave the San Siro for Stamford Bridge. Super.
In January, it seemed that only the footballing equivalent of Robert Redford in 'Indecent Proposal' (You get more money than you could imagine for something you can't replace with any amount of cash) could prize Kaka away. However, he decided to defy Manchester City's advances and followed with statement after statement claiming that we was no closer to leaving Milan than the style and vanity of its more common inhabitants. Indeed, only today Kaka was quoted in the Times claiming "I say it for the last time, I don't want to leave Milan....In this period I prefer to stay quiet because I don't want to be misinterpreted. To the millions of Rossoneri fans I say my decision has been made. I have said I want to stay. Now please leave me in peace."
This is not the first, nor will be the last, occasion when an athlete reneges on his word. But his imminent departure has little to do with his loyalty and more to do with the failings of the proud team he plays for. Milan have won just a single league title in ten years and, while they have appeared in three Champions League finals during that period (and they would have won all three but for the collosal collapse in Instanbul - Jerzy Dudek, you are on my list), this team has not been amongst Europe's elite consistently for a long time. Nor do they look likely to return to the echelon of their success in the mid-nineties any time soon. With the exception of Alex 'the duck' Pato (possibly the best sporting nickname since somebody started calling Fitz Hall one size. Get it? One size Fitz Hall. hard to beat that), Milan have failed to add a single impact player to the squad that lost that infamous final to Liverpool in 2005 when they were a legitimate player on the world stage. The team is old, the key components on the slide and few reasons to believe that they can close the gap on the current champions Internazionale - champs for the last 4 years.
But Kaka would hardly be leaving for a powerhouse. Yes, Real do intend to rock the footballing boat by spending upwards of £100 million this summer on new players in an effort to return to the 'Galacticos' era and close the gap on the premier power in world football right now, their great rivals Barcelona, but they were distant runners up in a two horse race this year and will surely struggle to assimilate half a team's worth of players instantly. Rumour is that as many as 15 players will exit before the close of the summer transfer window - it's fortunate all these guys are famous or nobody would have a chance remembering who will have come and gone.
Kaka turned down the blue side of Manchester and their millions (he would have earned a six figure sum fortnightly) to remain at Milan and also to remain in the Champion's League and avoid a rebuilding project. Madrid is not Manchester. Real are possibly the most famed team in the world and the Brazilian would be joining many a respected and award-winning footballer. However, Real may require more surgery than Manchester City right now to achieve their immediate goals and are, and always seem to be, navigating their way through far more political turbulence.
The wider impact of the Manchester City transfer talk was that it proved that Kaka was available for transfer. You could buy him. You didn't have to enter the realm of uncertainty that parades around the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, David Villa et al. You could actually ring up, offer some cash and hey presto, his dad would be round to discuss terms (anyone who has some deja vu after reading the last statement really doesn't need me to tell them what that means). How hurt was Kaka by this? Did he expect that there was absolutely no fee Milan would accept?
This could be the best result for both teams concerned; Real Madrid get their marquee signing and can point to this deal as the first step in their return to the top. They also get Adidas' most marketable asset, a feature that defined the period of the Galacticos. Milan can use the funds to, hopefully, rebuild a decrepit squad and imprint a new identity that can lead them to the summit in the next decade.
Kaka has been a shining light in a time of gloom for Milan. They were already beckoning in a new era, squinted eyes and all as to an uncertain future without their captain Paolo Maldini, and while few Milan fans will celebrate the sale of their prized player and the man Maldini had ordained as the next captain, the truth is that his sale was purely delayed by six months after the glimmer of possibility was opened up by the blue moon of Manchester City. There can be no doubting the value of their money now as they seem certain to influence the biggest deal of the summer, albeit without making the transfer themselves.
Buona Fortuna Kaka, its been a privelidge.
In January, it seemed that only the footballing equivalent of Robert Redford in 'Indecent Proposal' (You get more money than you could imagine for something you can't replace with any amount of cash) could prize Kaka away. However, he decided to defy Manchester City's advances and followed with statement after statement claiming that we was no closer to leaving Milan than the style and vanity of its more common inhabitants. Indeed, only today Kaka was quoted in the Times claiming "I say it for the last time, I don't want to leave Milan....In this period I prefer to stay quiet because I don't want to be misinterpreted. To the millions of Rossoneri fans I say my decision has been made. I have said I want to stay. Now please leave me in peace."
This is not the first, nor will be the last, occasion when an athlete reneges on his word. But his imminent departure has little to do with his loyalty and more to do with the failings of the proud team he plays for. Milan have won just a single league title in ten years and, while they have appeared in three Champions League finals during that period (and they would have won all three but for the collosal collapse in Instanbul - Jerzy Dudek, you are on my list), this team has not been amongst Europe's elite consistently for a long time. Nor do they look likely to return to the echelon of their success in the mid-nineties any time soon. With the exception of Alex 'the duck' Pato (possibly the best sporting nickname since somebody started calling Fitz Hall one size. Get it? One size Fitz Hall. hard to beat that), Milan have failed to add a single impact player to the squad that lost that infamous final to Liverpool in 2005 when they were a legitimate player on the world stage. The team is old, the key components on the slide and few reasons to believe that they can close the gap on the current champions Internazionale - champs for the last 4 years.
But Kaka would hardly be leaving for a powerhouse. Yes, Real do intend to rock the footballing boat by spending upwards of £100 million this summer on new players in an effort to return to the 'Galacticos' era and close the gap on the premier power in world football right now, their great rivals Barcelona, but they were distant runners up in a two horse race this year and will surely struggle to assimilate half a team's worth of players instantly. Rumour is that as many as 15 players will exit before the close of the summer transfer window - it's fortunate all these guys are famous or nobody would have a chance remembering who will have come and gone.
Kaka turned down the blue side of Manchester and their millions (he would have earned a six figure sum fortnightly) to remain at Milan and also to remain in the Champion's League and avoid a rebuilding project. Madrid is not Manchester. Real are possibly the most famed team in the world and the Brazilian would be joining many a respected and award-winning footballer. However, Real may require more surgery than Manchester City right now to achieve their immediate goals and are, and always seem to be, navigating their way through far more political turbulence.
The wider impact of the Manchester City transfer talk was that it proved that Kaka was available for transfer. You could buy him. You didn't have to enter the realm of uncertainty that parades around the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, David Villa et al. You could actually ring up, offer some cash and hey presto, his dad would be round to discuss terms (anyone who has some deja vu after reading the last statement really doesn't need me to tell them what that means). How hurt was Kaka by this? Did he expect that there was absolutely no fee Milan would accept?
This could be the best result for both teams concerned; Real Madrid get their marquee signing and can point to this deal as the first step in their return to the top. They also get Adidas' most marketable asset, a feature that defined the period of the Galacticos. Milan can use the funds to, hopefully, rebuild a decrepit squad and imprint a new identity that can lead them to the summit in the next decade.
Kaka has been a shining light in a time of gloom for Milan. They were already beckoning in a new era, squinted eyes and all as to an uncertain future without their captain Paolo Maldini, and while few Milan fans will celebrate the sale of their prized player and the man Maldini had ordained as the next captain, the truth is that his sale was purely delayed by six months after the glimmer of possibility was opened up by the blue moon of Manchester City. There can be no doubting the value of their money now as they seem certain to influence the biggest deal of the summer, albeit without making the transfer themselves.
Buona Fortuna Kaka, its been a privelidge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)