The Untransferables

(In a spooky, dark voice) As darkness envelopes the land and the arm of the evil empire reached further into the night, there were only one group, one band of brothers that could defy their corrupt intentions...they are...the Untransferables...

Ok Ok, So Real Madrid may not be all that bad but in the wake of their recent transfer activity it is questionable whether there is a player in world football they couldn't buy. Gone are Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo and Beckham - all signed in successive summers from 2000 to 2003 - and in are Kaka, Ronaldo (the other one) and who knows who else. As history has proven, even if Real sign no other big name this season, they will likely be back for more next year.

The 'Untransferables' Rankings:

The 'Please sign me, I'll play for free' Bracket

Emmanuel Adebayor - You have him. No you have him. No you have him…

The ‘Monday: No. Tuesday: Yes’ Bracket

Didier Drogba/Zlatan Ibrahimovic - Wouldn’t trust a word they say. About anything.

The 'If you pays your moneys, you gets your mans' Bracket

Yuri Zhirkov - Talented left sided player who seems certain to leave CSKA Moscow. Heavily linked with Chelsea but available to anyone with about £16million to spare.

Luis Antonio Valencia - Surely a United player within a week.

The 'If we can sign Julien Faubert on loan we can sign anybody' Bracket

Jermaine Pennant - Apparently Real are keen. Do they think he’s Ashley Young?

The 'Geez, Florentino I just got our credit card bill and I'm not sure we should spend any more' Bracket

Karim Benzema - Many think he will head to England this summer but, having signed their new Figo and Zidane, surely Real would be interested in a Ronaldo-clone?

David Villa - One day. One day.

David Silva - Interesting. Madrid have been tracking him ever since he burst on the scene a few years ago but just like colleagues Juan Mata, Villa, Raul Albiol and Joaquin, seem almost impossible to prise away. Somebody is surely going to bid the £30million pound odd soon.

Diego Forlan - Top goalscorer in Spain last year (32 goals in 33 games) and apparently a £32million price tag. Yes, that Diego Forlan.

Franck Ribery - Bayern have made it known they think the Frenchman is worth upwards of £60million. Zidane didn’t cost that much. Or Kaka. Or Trevor Francis…what were we talking about?

Carlos Tevez - Has anybody asked him were HE wants to go?

The 'You may really regret that' Bracket

Breno - The story goes that Real were about to sign him only to ask for a bone sample to prove his age (at the time 18). He was less then pleased, signed for Bayern instead and Real miss out on a future star centre back and possible one day Brazilian captain.

The 'Wait, isn't he our player?...mmm can't take the chance' Bracket

Iker Casillas - Best keeper in the world? Or is it Buffon? Cech? Julio Cesar?

The 'Been linked with them forever but probably won't happen Bracket

Javier Mascherano - The kind of player that would make them a far better team. Not going to sell many shirts though…

Nemanja Vidic - Pepe, Metzelder, Woodgate, Cannavaro. The Bernabeu is where central defenders’ careers go to die so I wouldn’t recommend it to the Serbian star.

The 'Not now, not soon, maybe never, but maybe when Perez comes back for a third stint in like 2015' Bracket

Anderson, Theo Walcott, Ismael Aissati, Yoann Gourcuff…

The 'I thought this was a loan deal...what do you mean this isn't Madrid north...and I've got to to do what with Craig Bellamy? Oh God...' Bracket

Robinho - He’s always been a Man City fan right?

The 'We will never sell. Never. Never ever. Ok next summer but don't tell anybody' Bracket

Diego Capel - The one they’d like.

Xabi Alonso - The one they want.

Cesc Fabregas - The one they really want.

The 'Our fans will riot. That's not to say we won't but we've got to make it look like he wants to go' Bracket

Sergio Aguero - You're quasi-Messi. You're semi-Messi. You're the margarine of Messi. You're the Diet Coke of Messi. Just one calorie, not Messi enough…

The 'If you sell him I swear I'm gonna support Inter' Bracket

Alexandre Pato - The mighty duck.

The 'Actually more likely than you might think. Think about it...think about it...ah you see' Bracket

Andrea Pirlo - They would love to have him and have bid for him before…

Samuel Etoo - A former Real Madrid player and seemingly unsettled at the Nou Camp forever. Might move on to City. Could well be on the way to Inter. Might stay put. Real probably wouldn’t bid for him this summer but he wouldn’t be completely out of range.

Frank Lampard - Linked with Barca on numerous occasions and likely to stay at Chelsea until his prime is passed but not beyond the realm of possibility.

The ‘Even if they didn’t play for Barcelona you’d have to offer the world’ Bracket

Dani Alves - The perfect attacking full-back. Would probably only leave to go back to Sevilla.

Bojan/Sergi Busquets - 18 and 20 years old respectively and already capped by arguably the strongest national team in the world. Future of the club along with Messi.

Xavi - Makes Guti look like a drunk baby.

The 'Rafa never take the Madrid job because we know what's gonna happen' Bracket

Fernando Torres - The best forward in the world right now and there’s not a team that wouldn’t want him. Of course he is a former Atletico player and a diehard fan.

The ‘Before the last couple of weeks were Untouchable, Untalkable and definately Untransferable' Bracket

Michael Essien - As important a player as there is on any team. Unreplaceable.

Wayne Rooney - Still only 23 and already with more than 50 caps for his country. Hard to imagine United allowing him to leave but even more difficult would be him wanting to leave.

The 'Actually Untouchable, Untalkable and definately Untransferable' Bracket

Steven Gerrard - Sure he has been tempted, he probably got close a few times but he will retire a Liverpool player.

Andres Iniesta - Ok, put a number on a piece of paper and we’ll look at it…No.

Lionel Messi - Don’t even bother.