Gym Folks

I go to the gym. I’ve been going intermittently for about eight years and, more often that, I run and lift and cycle on my own with only some fairly loud, abrasive music for company.

Spend enough time anywhere and the details of the setting will expand upon you. In my gym, there’s one bike that has a loose saddle, a rogue weight that doesn’t match any of the others and a treadmill that is desperate to break under the continued pressure of overweight activity. Perhaps more interestingly, at least I hope so for the purposes of this blog entry, are some of the individuals that frequent the place.

A large proportion of them seem to fall into a few amusing categories:

The Eastern European

He’s 6’3. His name is Yevgeny or Bogdan (I‘ve never asked). He only ever wears a white Sergio Tacchini shell suit with matching cap, never does cardio and balances weights on his neck. He may also growl on occasion.

The Peacock

It doesn’t matter where he is, he will gravitate towards any reflective surface and try to subtly flex. It’s not for the girls, it’s not for the boys, it’s for him. Good for him.

Lady Walks-a-lot

Powerwalking not only looks ridiculous, it’s useless. Try telling her that…

The Chatterbox

Ok, so they work out, but that’s not why they’re there. They linger and when you get tired and can hardly return fire, they strike. What’s sign language for ‘leave me to suffer in peace?’

The Get-Big-Quick-Guy

Despairs at the fact that after two weeks of bicep curls and all the supplements he can buy legally, he still doesn’t look like a ‘Mens Fitness’ cover model. Not to worry, he’ll get bored pretty soon.

The Spotter

They mean well bless ‘em but having someone stand over you and hail abuse at you to ‘push’ you is not always the motivational tool they may think it is. Very likely to have had abusive parents.

The Pro

You’re indoors. Is that skintight bike replica Tour de France jersey doing anything for you other than making you look silly? You want us to look at you and see an athlete. All we see is doofus.

The Show Off

Left to their own devices, harmless. Problematically, the gym is rarely a place for solitude and, as soon as there is another person in close vicinity, those weights are going up and so is the risk of injury. Note; no girl is sleeping with you because you bench 115 kgs….badly.

The Old Man

I don’t know why he’s there. I’m pretty sure he doesn't know either.

That Fella Who Can’t Wait To Get Naked And Stay That Way In The Changing Room

There’s always one…