NFL Nicknames and Musings

In light of the Saints v Eagles game that's just kicked off, I began to focus on the 2006 NFL draft. New Orleans were considered to have stumbled on its birthday, Christmas and Hannukah gifts all in one when Houston selected Mario Williams from North Carolina State, leaving them to pick USC star and Barry Sanders impersonator, Reggie Bush.

In hindsight - and hopefully neither player is near finalising their legacy - the Texans may have made a masterstroke in avoiding the injury-prone and lightweight back in favour of Williams who, after a tough opening year due to injury and a pretty horrendous Texans team, has flourished into an elite DE and a Pro Bowler. Super Mario has 26 sacks, 6 forced fumbles and 77 tackles in the last two seasons whilst starting every game. He is still just 24.

Bush, now essentially a specialist, averages 3.7 yards per carry in his career, has never started more than 10 games a year, never run for more than 581 yards a year, has seen his receptions dip every year and has 24 total touchdowns and 15 fumbles to date. He was one of the most dangerous punt/kick returners last season.

Indeed, the top-10 of what was considered a strong draft pool have struggled to deliver; Vince Young (3) is on the bench - and probably counselling - in Tennessee, D'Brickashaw Ferguson (4) has become a solid but not a star LT for the Jets, A.J Hawk (5) has just 7.5 sacks in three seasons although has played inside regularly and is a strong part of the Packer's linebacking corps, Vernon Davis (6) really hasn't translated his phenomenal athletic attributes to the 49ers or the NFL, Michael Huff (7) has just 1 career INT and has been benched in Oakland, Donte Whitner (8) and Ernie Sims (9), like Huff, have not made enough plays on defence for Buffalo and Detroit respectively and Matt Leinart is cleaning Kurt Warner's boots in Arizona.

The remainder of the first round has delivered some gems though; Jay Cutler (11) is the draft's premier QB, Haloti Ngata (12) is a fierce and destructive force in Baltimore and could be on the verge of being one of the game's dominant players, Antonio Cromartie (19), when healthy, has been a tremendous ball hawk and physical corner, Santonio Holmes (25) was last year's Superbowl MVP for the Steelers and Nick Mangold (29) is amongst the best Centers in the league and also the leader of the Jet's O-Line.

The second round gave us former NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year Demeco Ryans (33), Titans steamroller Lendale White (45), San Diego Left Tackle Marcus McNeill (50), Packers Wideout Greg Jennings (52), Bears returnman turned receiver, 'Anytime' Devin Hester (57) and Jaguars RB and all-around living legend, 'Pocket Hercules' Maurice Jones-Drew (60).

The steals of the draft? Round 4; Owen Daniels (98), Jahri Evans (108), Leon Washington (117), Brandon Marshall (119), Elvis Dumervil (126)

Special mention to two of the best at their position drafted in Round 7; the Titans Pro Bowl CB Cortland Finnegan (215) and Saints WR Marques Colston (252).

Oh, and I came up with a bunch of hee-larious nicknames should any of the franchises be renamed today.

AFC East

New England Hoodies - Before Brady and after Brady, there will be Belichik.

New York Hand Me Downs - The Giant’s slow, sexually confused, insecure, little brother. And I don’t even like the Giants.

Miami PLC - What? You don’t own part of this team?

Buffalo Suicide Booths - Even before Leodis McKelvin there was wide right…

AFC North

Cincinnati ochoNFLcinco85 @Twitter.com - Pretty much the only reason to tune in.

Pittsburgh Smugness - Ok, so you’ve won a bunch of Superbowls, have a lengthy list of Hall of Famers, had 3 coaches in about 1,000 years, you’re perfect. Just shut up about it.

Baltimore Ex-Wives - Tough. As. Nails.

Cleveland Browns - Paul Brown, Jim Brown, kinda uninspiring to look at. Sums up the franchise perfectly.

AFC South

Indianapolis Guy’s behind the Guy’s - Peyton might get all the marketing deals but it’s Bill Polian that has built this team.

Jacksonville Blackouts - The future of the franchise. Think it was a mistake starting another team in Florida?

Houston <:attach>

Tennessee Toilers -Titans + Oilers = Toilers. God I hope nobody has thought of that before.

AFC West

San Diego Strippers - Looks great but doesn’t get the job done.

Denver Millenium Bugs - Ah, so Y2K was real. Things were going so well before 2000.

Kansas City Hangovers - Always better at home.

Oakland Anti -Christs - Catchy, but maybe not evil enough for Al Davis.

NFC East

New York Catch Against David Tyree’s Fu*&%ng Helmets - Get over it?! You get fu*&%ng over it!

Dallas Joneses - Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune…

Philadelphia Hoi Polloi - Inappropriately deemed as ‘elite’ and in fact merely the rabble, the masses, the hecklers. Meet the Philadelphia faithful.

Washington Umbrellas - So much money they could make it rain every week.

NFC North

Chicago Fuzzy Kittens - See. Not so scary now are they.

Green Bay No.4’s - In honour of the QB formally known as Brett Favre.

Minnesota Hobbits - Bear with me here. Their season’s so often tell a story reminiscent of the Lord of the Rings trilogy; great start, great middle, terrible ending.

Detroit‘s Other Sports Team - ‘So you play for the Lions huh?…cooooooool….’

NFC South

New Orleans Hurricanes - Too soon?

Atlanta Cat People - Yes. It’s a Mike Vick joke. Breathe. Breathe. Keep breathing…

Carolina Lost - Can’t seem to put good back-to-back seasons together.

Tampa Bay United - Would probably help the Glazers with their paperwork.

NFC West

Arizona Gooding Jr. Ok, so Larry Fitzgerald may be the most famous Wide Receiver in Arizona now…

San Francisco 89ers - They were really good then.

Seattle 5-yard penalties - I’ve checked the rules; having a 12th man is illegal. You’d think they’d try to hide it.

St. Louis Afterthoughts - A little unfair considering their ‘greatest show on turf’ credentials but, in a league of what-have-you-done-for-me-lately and as the last team on this list, it seems apt.